Joke thread

tonyW · Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 11:39 pm Post subject:

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love.
He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep.

MANS DIARY:

Saturday 20th October 2007

England lost to South Africa. Gutted. Got a shag though .

hbrac · Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 6:43 pm Post subject:

An old man back in Australia from Thailand is relaxing with his new mail order Thai bride.

Lying in bed, his new bride is playing with his manhood, slowly stroking it up and down.

The old man says "You must love that, you haven’t left it alone since we got back."

The bride sighed wistfully and replied "Not really ... I just miss mine."
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Impotence..Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

hbrac · Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 10:37 am Post subject:

In case you missed it, here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explod es, and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) :The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17.Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eat ing.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. coffee, n., the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, adj., appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate, v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
6. negligent, adj., absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph, v., to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, n., olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, n., emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, n., a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, n., a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, n., the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
13. pokemon, n., a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, n,. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n., the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, n., an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
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Impotence..Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

Silverpixie (Admin) · Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 2:57 pm Post subject:

Brilliant Hils, I love new words.
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hbrac · Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 8:51 pm Post subject:

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... "com-for-da-bul."
_________________

Impotence..Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

hbrac · Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 10:24 pm Post subject:

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a

young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large

insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then

arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side,

underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then

explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a

spouse was Â£5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he

wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's

insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man

opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested

inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept

the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco

store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and

proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor

unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the

manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the

murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol'

Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the

hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard,

who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the

whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with

the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper,

The headline declared............

(You're going to hate me for this)

'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'
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Impotence..Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

hbrac · Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 9:12 pm Post subject:

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
_________________

Impotence..Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

hbrac · Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 6:16 pm Post subject:

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the

doctors..

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and

see

what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.

I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?'

asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood

transfusion?' queried the doctor.

'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!

'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual relationship?'

'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag.

'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor

..............

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(this is good - wait for it . ..... .... ....)

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'Your mother must have been a carrier'
_________________

Impotence..Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

Tango Bunny · Posted: Sun Apr 26, 2009 4:25 pm Post subject:

Brilliant

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