Risque Jokes - If easily offended DON'T LOOK

Frank · Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 11:49 am Post subject:

The Sunday School lesson

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept
through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
“Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir,
little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed
her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and
Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.”
But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and
Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with
the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing
one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your arse!”

… the teacher fainted!

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Frank · Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2007 11:57 am Post subject:

The jar

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten pound notes. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
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Frank · Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 11:18 am Post subject:

Tanacious D Video (featuring Meatloaf)

Awesome music, great Video - but the language, thats why its in here....

Link

PS - Is there only me ever posts in this thread ? ?
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madsue · Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 12:01 pm Post subject:

Nice one Frank!!!!!!!

Don't stop posting in here...I never get to hear jokes anywhere else

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shorty · Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 1:54 pm Post subject:

bloody brilliant song and video, thanks Frank!

Tango Bunny · Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 2:01 pm Post subject:

I love Tenacious D....Jack Black at his best
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$Christmas countdown banner$

medot · Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2007 5:26 pm Post subject:

pmsl...i need a lie down now.

pedpolly · Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 5:46 pm Post subject:

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, when the waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,

"Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop-frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift!"

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon, next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it , and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent!â€

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

numberplease · Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 5:59 pm Post subject:

da mama · Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 10:40 pm Post subject:

love it

xx
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a burst on a banjo sounds better than strum on a guitar

shorty · Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 4:06 pm Post subject:

:evil: :evil: :evil: extremely sick joke about Madeleine removed, anyone else posting one (not that I think anyone else would) will get a temporary ban :evil: :evil: :evil:

tonyW · Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 4:12 pm Post subject:

Well done guest it was not even slightly funny.........So that`s the answer to the old question, "How do you keep an idiot in suspense?"

Katy'sClan · Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 4:15 pm Post subject:

I expect you will tell us Later Tony

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Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow"

shorty · Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 4:17 pm Post subject:

I'd like to thank the person who pm'd me to tell me about this one, you know who you are

x

tonyW · Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 4:21 pm Post subject:

It wasn`t me...but only because I didn`t see it in time!

I`ll be yer coppers nark Captain guest!

Do I get Police protection?

shorty · Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 4:23 pm Post subject:

no but I may let you play with my truncheon

tonyW · Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 4:25 pm Post subject:

Wooohooo! That`ll do for me Tommy!

hilda · Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007 7:05 pm Post subject:

but does she take #HER teeth out for you tone!!?? eh eh eh
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Bloomin OW!!!

Frank · Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 11:11 am Post subject:

Which reminds me................

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, “For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in.”
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numberplease · Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 12:53 pm Post subject:

Love it Frank!