Joke thread

laws1 · Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 4:31 pm Post subject:

More greats one Frank

Frank · Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2007 12:44 am Post subject:

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "s**t! Just missed it by a half hour!"
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numberplease · Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2007 2:04 am Post subject:

tonyW · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:32 pm Post subject:

Duties of Wives!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
Given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he
had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Welsh girl. He boasted that he
told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most
of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and
call a handyman.
God Bless Welsh Women

tonyW · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:33 pm Post subject:

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,

bought me a mood ring the other day so he would
be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it

turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves
a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

tonyW · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:36 pm Post subject:

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they
go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, ! gets up and
has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he
asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go
to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary
up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch
And go back
to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and
Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His Mom replies, 'Ok, do tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I
think I
gave him my airplane glue.'

tonyW · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:41 pm Post subject:

For the men-haters out there:

Q What do you do if a man is rolling around on the floor in agony?
A. Shoot him again.
2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
B. 3. Q. Why do little boys whine?
C. A. Because they're practicing to be men.
D. 4. Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
E. A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him or Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
F. 5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
G. A. Trustworthy.
H. 6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
I. A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
J. 7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
K. A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
L. 8. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
M. A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
N. 9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
O. A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
P. 10. Q: What is the difference between men and women...
Q. A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
R. 11. Q: How does a man keep his youth?
S. A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
T. 12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
U. A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

tonyW · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:43 pm Post subject:

The 2 Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were
swimming
around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The
prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about
being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted". Lo and
behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old
mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark
boring
and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't
realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of
his
sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he
found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his
old
pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the
enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set
off to
Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your
old
friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.".........

(You're going to love this...)

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"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".

madsue · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:49 pm Post subject:

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Acorncup · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 3:14 pm Post subject:

I love this one

tonyW · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 3:16 pm Post subject:

I suppose that if women whistle...there must be a draft?

fwh · Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:42 pm Post subject:

OXO have changed the packaging of their cubes.

New package has the England flag on it and is marketed as The Laughing Stock cube
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53.38.18.86 N - 1.41.18.96 W

tonyW · Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2007 1:46 am Post subject:

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment.

Then she said seriously: ' I think so. Provided those w****rs at Jewsons deliver the f*****g bricks.'

Julie · Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 4:34 pm Post subject:

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey
Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 months vacation and five good leads.'

Julie · Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 8:40 am Post subject:

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Frank · Posted: Sat Dec 15, 2007 1:10 pm Post subject:

A hungry young cowboy walks into a diner in a small town in West Texas.

He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of soup.

After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"?

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead"

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over, slides the bowl over to his place, and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the soup.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the soup into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too"
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Frank · Posted: Sat Dec 15, 2007 1:29 pm Post subject:

You may think this is going to be a boring documentary, but stick with it.....

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fwh · Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 10:56 am Post subject:

Paddy went into a pub and saw a sign saying "Pub Challenge - win free beer for a year!".

Upon asking the landlord he was told it was a three part challenge, the first being to knock out the 6'6" 20 stone bricklayer in the corner, the second was to remove an abcessed tooth from the huge rottweiler in the cellar, and the third to go upstairs and make love to the landlords incontinent 89 year old mother in law.

"Right sir" said Paddy " I'll accept the challenge", and with that he picked up a bottle ran across the room and laid out the bricklayer.

He then went down into the cellar where there ensued a terrific noise of breaking glass, barrels overturning, barks, snarls and growls which lasted for what seemed like ages.

Paddy eventually emerged, his clothes ripped to peices and covered in blood and in a hell of a state and said " Right sir - where's that old lady with the bad tooth...?"
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53.38.18.86 N - 1.41.18.96 W

fwh · Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 1:35 pm Post subject:

A feller buys a very small miniature Shetland pony. Next morning he finds it shaking and in a very sorry state and calls the vet.

After examining it the vet says that there is nothing really wrong with it apart from exhaustion.

He then spots a large stallion in the next stall and says it is probably the amorous culprit.

"What can I do?" says the owner "I've only got this one stable".

The vet then suggests that the owner cover up the little horse at night with a white sheet so the stallion doesn't notice it.

He does so, but next morning the stable door is wide open and there is no sign of the little horse or the white sheet.

He goes running up and down the surrounding lanes trying to find it, and eventually comes across a couple out walking.

"Excuse me" he says "Have you seen a little horse covered in a white sheet?"

"No" said the couple "But we have seen a little horse running hell for leather with a white hanky stuck out of it's @rse...."
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53.38.18.86 N - 1.41.18.96 W

Aslemma · Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 12:03 am Post subject:

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, Mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now!, Let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and me do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon," replied Rosita

"Please, Corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said,

"OK, just one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro quickly grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

Gottcha, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

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If I can't be a good example I'll just have to settle for being a horrible warning.