Joke thread

Keyman · Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 3:50 pm Post subject:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him
in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to
be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He
takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.

Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put
all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

_________________
Life is too short to be serious all the time!

sancho proudfoot · Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 5:41 pm Post subject:

A couple are in a cafe in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogweychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and they say to the girl behind the counter: "Can you please say the name of the place where we are, and say it really slowly?"

The girl leans over the counter and says "Bbbb uuuu rrrr ggggg eeeerrrrrrrr K iiiiiiii nnnnnngggg"
_________________
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something more bizarre. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

hbrac · Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 10:13 pm Post subject:

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted
through dangerous and high-risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna
re-elect him."

Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for
the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected
include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with
messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate
new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept
responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado,
uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies
towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive
disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas

hbrac · Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 10:17 pm Post subject:

Friendship

Are you sick of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound like Hallmark cards, and never come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that speak of true loyalty:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bar-steward who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why, you ask? Because you are my friend.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you anyway.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel

Keyman · Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 2:28 am Post subject:

Christmas Show and Tell...

... "Christmas is almost on us," said the teacher, and tomorrow I want all of you boys and girls to bring something to illustrate what Christmas is all about.
Next day, each pupil had brought something along. Little Sally was first. "I've brought a toy reindeer," she said, "because Santa's sleigh is pulled by reindeer."
Then came George, who had brought a piece of the deodar tree from his garden."This is what Christmas trees are made of," he explained. Little Bruce had brought some wrapping paper, and Marcie brought a picture of a turkey. All of which the teacher praised, but expressed the wish that someone had used a bit more initiative, and also concentrated more on the spiritual aspects of Christmas.
Inevitably, Little Johnnie at the back of the class had had his hand up all the while, snapping his fingers, and hissing "Miss, Miss." And as a last desperate resort she calls on him.
"Okay, Little Johnnie," says teacher. "What have you brought."
Proudly, Little Johnnie produces a set of ladies panties, which he twirls around his finger, high above his head, for all of the class to see.
"What are THOSE?" demands Teacher, as if she didn't know.
"They're girls' panties, Miss."
"I can see that, Johnnie. But what have they got to do with Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

:)
_________________
Life is too short to be serious all the time!

annedave · Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 10:20 am Post subject:

>
> A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
>
> "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
> started
> swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
>
>
> The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast
>
> I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"
>
> "OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
>
>
> The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
> Wants for breakfast.
>
>"Oh, sh * t mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"
>
>
> WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
> up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
>
>
> She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what

> do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>
> I don't know," he blubbers,"but it won't be f**king Coco Pops."

Anne x

staceylc · Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 10:38 am Post subject:

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

fwh · Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 3:50 pm Post subject:

The story of a compassionate man.

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Roy...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Anne.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Anne to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now,it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my experience as a tactful Police Officer helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do as one of my strong points...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed for Monday's lodge meeting to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing...

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her.

Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the boot when she's finished

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the back lawn.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile.

And as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Anne.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women can get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that
writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed, Roy.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly Thursday Feb.3rd.
He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing..
His wife, Anne, was arrested, but the all-woman Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it and died...!!

fwh · Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 3:51 pm Post subject:

A man's problem.

A man went to his Psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.
The Psychiatrist asked him many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of his problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your wife's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes," he said, "I did once."
"And how did she look?"
"Very angry!" he said.
At this point the Psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere, and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now, tell me, you say that you have only seen your wife's face only once during sex; that does seem somewhat unusual - how did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was looking through the window..!!"
_________________
53.38.18.86 N - 1.41.18.96 W

annedave · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 9:31 am Post subject:

Little Johnny's Christmas

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."

After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Johnny

Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly,
Johnny

Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Johnny

Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what is Mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trashcan and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions.

He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went
Inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do. Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door.

He went home, hid the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who...

like that one
ANNEXX :wink:

annedave · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 9:41 am Post subject:

Eve Chats With God

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic
snake, but I'm just not happy."

And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be
vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger,
faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he
is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a
way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and
will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be
too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but
what's the catch Lord?"

"Well.....you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll
have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be
our little secret.............. You know, woman to woman."

keep em comin!! ANNEXX

Guest2 · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 11:04 am Post subject:

Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he entered one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a 'tragedy'". " No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "that's what we would
call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a
quiet voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck
by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy.

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me
why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f **** accident either!"

annedave · Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 1:18 pm Post subject:

CHICKEN AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT
>>> >>
>>> >> A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
>>>"Chicken
>>> >> Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast
>>>iron pot.
>>> >>
>>> >> Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot
>>>rises
>>> >> slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking
>>>around
>>> >> before the lid slams back down.
>>> >>
>>> >> "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
>>> >>
>>> >> He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for
>>>it and
>>> >> again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking
>>>around before
>>> >> it slams down.
>>> >>
>>> >> Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
>>>happening,
>>> >> and demands an explanation.
>>> >>
>>> >> "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
>>> >>
>>> >> The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
>>> >>
>>> >> ...................
>>> >> ...........
>>> >>
>>> >> .......
>>> >>
>>> >> ...
>>> >>

>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >> Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Anne x :D

fwh · Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2005 2:55 pm Post subject:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in George Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So I called him a piece of dog s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a damn. I came into town by train.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at my age.

madsue · Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 11:13 am Post subject:

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded: "How about 50 quid?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband: "Does she realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man responded: "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied: "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her.

...Wait for it

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
_________________

staceylc · Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 5:06 pm Post subject:

Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub.

It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most

of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only

broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a

dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...

BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain

>he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box

>approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more

>clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put

>his head down and started walking briskly home.

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP.... BUMP.......

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........BUMP.......

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he

>heard the coffin speed up after him ...

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

>

>

>

>

>He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

>

>

>

>

>Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was

>only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his

>keys, His hand trembling,he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,

>slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and

>slumped into his comfy chair.

>

>

>

>

>Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through

>the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin

>allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued

>its chase ..

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could

>take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

>

>

>

>

>The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and

>launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the

>bathroom door flew off its hinges ...

>

>

>

>

>The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young

>terrified lad.

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom

>cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at

>the coffin ... still it came ........

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it

>came......

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it ...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>The coffin stopped.
_________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/]

[/url]

fwh · Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 9:25 am Post subject:

>"Can I have some Irish Sausages please ?", asked Paddy.

>The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

>"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian ?

>Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German ?

>Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was

>Jewish ? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ?

>Would you, ay? Would You?"

>The assistant says, "Well no".

>"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was

>American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

>"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

>So with self-indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then, why

>did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

>

>

>The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase!!"
_________________
53.38.18.86 N - 1.41.18.96 W

hbrac · Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 11:57 am Post subject:

Latest Scam.

Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around but I have to admit that this one is important.

Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.I f someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum.

This is a scam. They only want to see your bum. I wish I'd got this yesterday, I feel so stupid and cheap.
_________________

Impotence..Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

fwh · Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 2:15 pm Post subject:

The Perils of Driving..!!

I was driving down the A34 the other day (perhaps going a little faster than I should have been) when I passed under a bridge - only to see a Traffic Cop on the other side with a Radar gun laying in wait.

He pulled me over, walked up the car and said, with that classic patronizing smirk, "Runway too short, sir..?"

As politely as I could, I replied, "I'm sorry, I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "And what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I said.

Seeming rather surprised and confused, he asked, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then slowly stretch the hole until it's about six feet."

Then he asked cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole..??"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a Radar gun and park him behind a bridge...!!"

Speeding ticket: £105:00
Court costs: £45:00
<
<
<
The look on his face: Priceless..!!

fwh · Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 6:48 pm Post subject:

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

His funeral will be held Thursday.