Joke thread

da mama · Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2007 7:12 pm Post subject:

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised
already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the
minister, even ma stag night..."

Archie nods approvingly.

"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that!

And what's the tartan?"

"Ach," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white."

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a burst on a banjo sounds better than strum on a guitar

Frank · Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2007 11:28 pm Post subject:

A few silly ones............

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
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shorty · Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 7:05 am Post subject:

ooh funny and clean!!!!

laws1 · Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 7:56 am Post subject:

Good ones Frank

Frank · Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 11:04 am Post subject:

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40".

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you £5."

"Ochh-man , now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
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Frank · Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2007 10:59 am Post subject:

A man thinks he is going deaf so goes to see his Doctor.

The Doctor says' What are the symptoms'

The man says....

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'They are a disfunctional TV family with yellow heads'
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Frank · Posted: Thu Oct 04, 2007 11:09 am Post subject:

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They rambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 8 stones 0 pounds . She got on the scale; it read 7st 9lbs and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Big Wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his pound.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next."I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

scroll down

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Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
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Frank · Posted: Thu Oct 04, 2007 11:34 am Post subject:

Silly Signs

Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

Bargain basement upstairs.

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Horse manure per pre-packed bag do-it-yourself.

After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

This is the gate of heaven. enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)

We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.

Slow cattle crossing. no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

Elephants please stay in your car.

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.
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Frank · Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 3:11 pm Post subject:

One or two old ones here....thay say the old ones are the best ones. I wonder if they were written by Tony Blackburn..... Tony who ?

Evidence has emerged that William Tell's family were avid bowlers. However, since a fire destroyed all the old Swiss league records, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into a doctor's clinic, shouting, "Help me! I think I'm shrinking!!" The receptionist calmly replied: "The doctor's busy. Please be a little patient!"

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, he returned to check the chief's progress. The chief shrugged and said: "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

An Apache chief had three wives. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys, which proves that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies,assisted by a tribal medicine man who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the bruja reassured him: "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
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Frank · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 11:19 pm Post subject:

I don't know where you get 'em from Frank.
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da mama · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 11:20 pm Post subject:

talking to yourself again frank ???

xx
_________________
a burst on a banjo sounds better than strum on a guitar

Frank · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 11:23 pm Post subject:

Well I might as well laugh at them. Few other people do.
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Frank · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 11:33 pm Post subject:

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's.Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.

"But it did happen to me sister."
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Frank · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 11:33 pm Post subject:

It's the way you tell 'em Frank.
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shorty · Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 7:17 am Post subject:

like that one Frank

madsue · Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 8:49 am Post subject:

Just caught up on the last weeks worth!!!!

Keep'em coming Frank, I love them!!!!!
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GoldenChippie · Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 9:56 am Post subject:

numberplease · Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 3:27 pm Post subject:

Love `em Frank!

Frank · Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 12:11 pm Post subject:

THE 2 ITALIANS

Luigi and Antonio met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dis beach was screamin' and akickin' and ayellin'!"
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shorty · Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:22 pm Post subject: