Joke thread

hbrac · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:39 am Post subject:

Are we going to have a Joke thread Lynn and Dougie? Nothing too rude or offensive allowed obviously. It could be named Joking Apart or something similar.

emmarushuk · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:40 am Post subject:

Can we also have a Weight Loss thread too please, pretty please with a cherry on top!

bluebabe · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:43 am Post subject:

Emma look on page two and the weight loss thread is there

Helenxx
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shorty · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:44 am Post subject:

:) ooh yes please, a joke sticky!

emmarushuk · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:45 am Post subject:

Still navigating page one!!!

Thanks Bluebabe

annedave · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:56 am Post subject:

ooohhh please have a joke thread, it realy cheers me up to read them.
all the best Anne :D

GoldenChippie · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 10:38 am Post subject:

Bloke goes into a shop and buys 1 frozen pizza, a pot noodle and a tv dinner, the checkout girl says single are you? yes said the bloke how did you guess?

Because you are really ugly says the girl.

shorty · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 10:40 am Post subject:

GoldenChippie · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 10:45 am Post subject:

Whats the difference between an ugly man and an attractive man?
About 8 glasses of wine.

Whats the difference between a bloke and a shopping trolley?
Sometimes a trolley has a mind of its own

MikeCunliffe · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 12:57 pm Post subject:

two guys in the pub, having a chat. One says "Did you know beer contains female hormones?", "No" said the other, "Is that true?"

"Yes" said the first, "Drink too much and you start talking crap and you drive terribly".

joolz307 · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 1:52 pm Post subject:

As Christmas is fast approaching.....

:Reindeer:

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he exclaimed.

Joseph said, ‘Write that down, Mary; it's better than Rodney!’

Joolz :wink:

Skyegal · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 3:21 pm Post subject:

Excellent Joolz

Good_Queen_Bess · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 6:38 pm Post subject:

mel-1810 · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 6:41 pm Post subject:

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep,he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it aint Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No,it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two a***holes."
"What... he had two a***holes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two a***holes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two a***holes....'"
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GoldenChippie · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 6:44 pm Post subject:

sancho proudfoot · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 7:54 pm Post subject:

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," on TV, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NASA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

shorty · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:01 pm Post subject:

had to turn the monitor upside down but eventually got there!

Peter A · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:12 pm Post subject:

A young lad turns round to his dad and says to him, "When I die dad I want to go quietly and peacefully like grandad in his sleep,

not like the passengers kicking and screaming on his bus."

Katy'sClan · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:36 pm Post subject:

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Keyman · Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 11:06 pm Post subject:

Katy, how very fitting in this PC world....but makes you :) :) :)