Risque Jokes - If easily offended DON'T LOOK

MikeCunliffe · Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 9:38 am Post subject:

Good ones Cromwell.

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my partner
that my breasts are just too small. Instead of telling me it's not so,
he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want 'em to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper
and rub it between 'em for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"A few years," Mike replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.

Stupid, stupid man.......

Katy'sClan · Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 11:33 am Post subject:

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind theshrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, Would you care
to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you s**t on its head."

......... AND WHAT WERE YOU.... THINKING????

McBabe · Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2007 10:16 pm Post subject:

A train hits a busload of Essex school girls and they all perish

They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates pass St Peter

St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had
any contact with a man's thing?"

She giggles and shyly replies:

"Well I once touched the head of one with tip of my finger".

St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and
pass through the gate".

St Peter ask the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question "Kelly
have you ever had any contact with a man's thing?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies:

"well once I fondled and stroked one".

St Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass
through the gate".

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and
the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says:

"Tracy! What seems to >be the rush?"

The girl replies ... "If I am going to have to gargle that Holy Water
... I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her ar*e in it!!".
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Good_Queen_Bess · Posted: Tue May 01, 2007 11:15 am Post subject:

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Paz,
Jackiex

shorty · Posted: Thu May 03, 2007 7:08 am Post subject:

love it, Mcbabe!

medot · Posted: Thu May 03, 2007 7:45 pm Post subject:

hmmmmm..i'm saying nothing

Liam X · Posted: Thu May 03, 2007 9:07 pm Post subject:

Whats the Difference Between a Dead Dog in the Road and Dennis Wise In the Road??

Skid Marks in front of the Dog.

What do You Call a Leeds United Supporter With No Arms or Legs? Trustworthy.
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I feel like nothin' I do is ever right
And that I'm playin the fool every night
And I admit, I don't take care of myself
So I do a lot of thinkin' and preparing myself
'Cause the fact is my friend died young and I might, too

pedpolly · Posted: Wed May 09, 2007 5:44 pm Post subject:

Try this link.....Radio prank

http://www.office-humour.co.uk/movies/6043/

medot · Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 12:00 pm Post subject:

omg now that was funny ped

Carol · Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 12:30 pm Post subject:

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pedpolly · Posted: Tue May 29, 2007 6:58 pm Post subject:

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of
our celebration of the Spirits of the Forest, you will be executed in three days.

Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal
horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening,
to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette,
more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man
of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.

"What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye
and says, listen very carefully for....the....last....time I said.....

"BRING POSSE"

Frank · Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 9:45 am Post subject:

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Frank · Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 1:30 pm Post subject:

New London olympic games Logo

Link

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Frank · Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2007 1:51 pm Post subject:

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is an old guy in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous brunette in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.

Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the old guy and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old guy replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way".
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Dougie · Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:17 am Post subject:

An out of work Pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street, he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

“Fu**ing get in there you k*ob!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

"Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs*it middle class w*nkhole please you k*ob", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.

"Can I help you sir?" he says
"
Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the k*obing window and I'm here to audition......w*nker."

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic.

At the end the thrilled Manager cries, "Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?"

"That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the b*itch is blind..."

"Oh" says the manager...err, can you play me another. Something a little less 'lively'".
"W*nker" interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad that leaves the manager in tears.

The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.

"That little number was called 'Sometimes when You do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end'".

"I see" says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?"

"Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece', or there's the epic 'I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs'".

"Look" says the manager interrupting, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little racy. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience".

"F*ck it" says the pianist "Why not".

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd is lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.

The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
"Hi" she says.
"Hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear,
"Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?"
Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and yells...........

"Know it?" - "I f*cking wrote it!!!"

Tango Bunny · Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 12:33 pm Post subject:

Class Dougie PMSL
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$Christmas countdown banner$

Carol · Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 12:39 pm Post subject:

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Frank · Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2007 10:03 am Post subject:

A modern re-write of an ancient classic

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Frank · Posted: Sat Jul 28, 2007 12:23 pm Post subject:

Another blonde joke................

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't
sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blond.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blond, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blond snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container .

>>>>>>>>>>>

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"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM".
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Frank · Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 12:14 am Post subject:

This is no Joke, but the Willie fish is a reality....

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