Risque Jokes - If easily offended DON'T LOOK

symon · Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2005 3:49 pm Post subject:

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

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Merseygull · Posted: Sat Dec 10, 2005 6:23 pm Post subject:

God is putting the final touches to his final designs of Adam and Eve before letting them into the garden of eden....

Both are standing before him and he muses....

Now folks, I have only two last characteristics to bestow so there will be one each....

Firstly, who would like to be able to pee standing up??

Adam is up for this and like an over-zealous schoolchild has his hand in the air shouting ME ME ME!!

God nods wisely and says, "so be it Adam"

To Eve he says.........

Well I guess that leaves you with multiple orgasms!

ATB,J.

Good_Queen_Bess · Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 3:26 pm Post subject:

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Paz,
Jackiex

k&r · Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 6:55 pm Post subject:

A woman was in a coma for several months,
One day the nurses noticed a slight responce whilst washing her f*nny.
They rushed to her husband and explained a little oral sex might bring her round, to which he agreed.

A few minutes later her monitor flat lines, no pulse or heart rate.
the nurses rush in " what happened" they cried.

"I dont know" cried the husband.................."perhaps she choked"

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madsue · Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2005 12:20 am Post subject:

One of the best

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staceylc · Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2005 9:42 am Post subject:

Police have today admitted that George Best was not in fact buried in Belfast last week and that in retrospect the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday morning might have been a mistake.
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Dougie · Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2005 9:49 am Post subject:

Spike · Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2005 11:29 pm Post subject:

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years
were reunited at a do
After several drinks, one of the men had to use
the rest room. Those who
remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb
the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became
so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his
birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My
son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, then
went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in
the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich
that he gave his best
friend
a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My
son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he
started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also
gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just
as the fourth returned
from
the restroom and asked: "What are all the
congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the
pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes
a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a
disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed.
He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday
was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion,
a brand new jet and a
top of the line Mercedes from his three
boyfriends."

McBabe · Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 10:10 am Post subject:

like it
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moonlighter · Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 11:06 am Post subject:

Police have admitted that George Best was not in fact buried in Belfast last week as reported. They have also admitted that the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hemstead at on Sunday morning may have been a mistake. :?

sancho proudfoot · Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 5:24 pm Post subject:

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish."
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There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something more bizarre. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Spike · Posted: Thu Dec 15, 2005 8:21 pm Post subject:

A pantomime arranged for the benefit of a Paranoid Schizophrenics group descended into scenes of chaos yesterday when someone shouted out "He's behind you!"

symon · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 12:06 am Post subject:

A family are driving in their car on holidays. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road.
The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."
The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog only has three legs, it very fat, and can barely move at all so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfil his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish.
The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area. The frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog.
The frog turns to the man and says, "Could I please have another look at the dog?"
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symon · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 12:31 am Post subject:

A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.
The hooker says, "wheres my money?"
The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
It says "gets paid for sex."
The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"
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Good_Queen_Bess · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 10:16 am Post subject:

symon · Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2005 10:32 pm Post subject:

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a winker then!"
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staceylc · Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 12:42 pm Post subject:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, sheis attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, If she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his arse while he is on fire.
Further studies in this area have been cancelled.
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McBabe · Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 2:33 pm Post subject:

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
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Merseygull · Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2005 5:29 pm Post subject:

It's Christmas at Stalag 17 in 1942... the camp Kommandant is feeling festive and so summons three prisoners into his office...

In front of him are an Englishman, a Scotsman and a Jew...

The Kommandant announces - "It is christmas, I am going to ask each one of you a question in turn and if you get the answer right then you can go home for christmas"

To the englishman he asks "who has the finest army in the world?"

The tommy has a think and realises that if he tells the Kommandant what he wants to hear then he'll be out so he replies " The german army is the finest army in the world"

The Kommandant is delighted and promptly sends tommy home...

He next asks the Scotsman "who has the finest airforce in the world?" - Jock has the same thoughts as Tommy and replies "the german luftwaffe is the finest airforce in the world"

Sure enough, jock is soon on his way home...

Next he looks down at the Jew and sneers - "what is the sex of the eagle on my cap?"

Without a moment's hesitation the jewish fella replies "it's female!"

The Kommandant is taken aback by both the rapidity and certanty of the reply and asks " and how is it that you KNOW that it's female?"

"because there's a F****ing big C*** underneath it!"

SORRY, hope I didn't offend anyone...

ATB,J.

Liam X · Posted: Tue Dec 27, 2005 2:00 pm Post subject:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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I feel like nothin' I do is ever right
And that I'm playin the fool every night
And I admit, I don't take care of myself
So I do a lot of thinkin' and preparing myself
'Cause the fact is my friend died young and I might, too