Risque Jokes - If easily offended DON'T LOOK

Cromwell · Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 8:52 pm Post subject:

A survey asked 100 women if their tw*t twitches after an orgasm..... 99% said ...... "No, he usually rolls over and falls asleep".

woodsz · Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2007 9:11 am Post subject:

_________________
Try everything and regret nothing

You can beat a woman, you can beat a dog, you can beat an egg But you cant beat SEX

Carol · Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2007 10:06 am Post subject:

_________________

pedpolly · Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 7:47 am Post subject:

> >The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
> >surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
> >to arrive, Mr Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
> >now. The man should be here soon."
> >
> >Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
> >happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
> >
> >"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to
> >explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
> >
> >"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
> >know babies are my speciality?"
> >
> >
> >"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
> >seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
> >
> >"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
> >couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
> >floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
> >
> >"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
> >me!"
> >
> >"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
> >try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
> >I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
> >
> >"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
> >
> >"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
> >in
> >and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
> >
> >"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
> >
> >The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
> >baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
> >
> >"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
> >
> >"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
> >their
> >mother was so difficult to work with."
> >
> >"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
> >
> >"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
> >job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
> >good look."
> >
> >"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
> >
> >"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too.
> >The
> >mother was constantly squealing and yelling! I could hardly
> >concentrate,
> >and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
> >squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all
> >in."
> >
> >Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
> >um... equipment?"
> >
> >"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
> >and
> >we can get to work right away."
> >
> >"Tripod?"
> >
> >"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
> >too big to be held in the hand very long."
> >
> >Mrs. Smith fainted.
> >

Channel H · Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 6:49 pm Post subject:

What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;

A clit around the ear, a flap across the face and a crack on the head.

pedpolly · Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 8:33 pm Post subject:

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk

on the side of the road. They stop; the wife gets out, picks it up,

and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be

cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to

keep it warm."

She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

woodsz · Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 9:24 pm Post subject:

*_LITTLE LADY:_*

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."
_________________
Try everything and regret nothing

You can beat a woman, you can beat a dog, you can beat an egg But you cant beat SEX

Carol · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 6:27 am Post subject:

_________________

Cromwell · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 6:59 pm Post subject:

A man's in Tesco's when a sexy blonde waves and smiles at him....... puzzled, he asks her how she knows him. She replies..... "I think you may be the father of one of my children."..... Stunned, he recalls the one time he was unfaithful.... "Are you that stripper from my stag night I shagged on the pool table, in front of all my mates whilst your mates tied my hands togethor, whipped me with some rope and shoved a cucumber up my arse?"....... "No!", she says, shocked...... "I'm your son's teacher!"

medot · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 7:44 pm Post subject:

omg....that was funny

Cromwell · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 7:56 pm Post subject:

I thought it was Dottie!! I have others.... but don't know if I should dare post them on here.....

woodsz · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 8:01 pm Post subject:

Go on Cromwell go for it
_________________
Try everything and regret nothing

You can beat a woman, you can beat a dog, you can beat an egg But you cant beat SEX

shorty · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 8:03 pm Post subject:

If in doubt, run them by one of us first

woodsz · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 8:11 pm Post subject:

You
Know
When
its
getting
Warner
when
the
girls
start
showing off
their
Belly buttons

_________________
Try everything and regret nothing

You can beat a woman, you can beat a dog, you can beat an egg But you cant beat SEX

Cromwell · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 9:17 pm Post subject:

.... oohhh I feel SICK!!

..... funny though!!

Cromwell · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 9:21 pm Post subject:

A woman walks into a bar, orders a bottle of crystal champagne. She then lifts her skirt, takes down her thong and pours the champagne all over her pussy... The barman is amazed! He asks....... "Why did you do that?!"........ She replies....... "I've just won the lottery, and that's the only **** i'm sharing it with!"

Katy'sClan · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 9:40 pm Post subject:

A young Guy was out on the booze one night and he pulls a stunning girl. They end up back in his place and he asks her if she wants to see his Clock.
She looked puzzeled but says yeah anyway.
He disappears through to another room and comes back stark naked with a huge hard on.
She screams thats not a clock its a cock.
He says it will be one when you put 2 hands and a face on it!!

Cromwell · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 9:43 pm Post subject:

:smt042 My hubby sent me this on a text kAty........

Cromwell · Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 9:47 pm Post subject:

Two eggs in a pan. one male, one female....... the famale says..... "OOohhh look, I have a crack!"...... the male turns round and says....... "No point in telling me...... i'm not fu*k*ng hard yet!"

Cromwell · Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 5:59 pm Post subject:

RANGER'S JOKE....... not good if you're a Celtic fan!

.............................................Why is it George Michael's lifetime ambition to play in goal for Celtic?....... because he'd have 10 arseholes infront of him, and 60,000 pricks behind him!!