Risque Jokes - If easily offended DON'T LOOK

Guest3 · Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 12:45 pm Post subject:

Pulled by Dougie

Dougie · Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 1:46 pm Post subject:

Could be construed as a little bit more "offensive" than "risque".

Sorry.
Mark

fizz · Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 7:26 pm Post subject:

Subject: Cheese scones

>> >An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
>> >
>> >While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled
the
>> >aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.
>> >
>> >He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
>> >Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
>>and
>> >with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
>> >crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the
>> >doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony,
he
>> >would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out
>>upon
>> >waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese
>> >scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from
his
>> >devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world
>> >a happy man?
>> >
>> >Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
table,
>> >landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted,
he
>> >could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
>> >seemingly bringing him back to life.
>> >
>> >The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone
at
>> >the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a
>>spatula
>> >by his wife........
>> >
>> >"F*** Off!! ",she said, "They're for the funeral"
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Keyman · Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 8:28 pm Post subject:

......now I really like that one Fizz

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Life is too short to be serious all the time!

Keyman · Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 2:08 am Post subject:

The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city." So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?" The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting......

......."DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN! DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN!"
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Life is too short to be serious all the time!

nickmacuk · Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 7:24 pm Post subject:

George Best on arrival at the Pearly Gates was met by St Peter. Peter says well George you lived life to the full down there any regrets?
Yes says George
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I hear they have just introduced 24 hr drinking

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Katy'sClan · Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 8:27 pm Post subject:

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun,
Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been
saved." "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old bar-steward" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

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Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow"

Good_Queen_Bess · Posted: Sat Dec 03, 2005 12:54 pm Post subject:

That was SO funny Fizz!!!!!!!

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Paz,
Jackiex

Spike · Posted: Sat Dec 03, 2005 5:43 pm Post subject:

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some
cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former
youthful glory as her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and
looked like a ripped out Fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned
With five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things up with a nip
here and tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three
Roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the
nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've
received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation
went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say
thanks" "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was
such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll
be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very
excited!".

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?". "That's from Eric in the
burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to Say thanks for his
new ears"

fizz · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 5:12 pm Post subject:

David Blunkett walks into the Home Office.

One of the Staff there says, "What are you doing here? You were sacked 3 months ago?"

Mr Blunkett replies, "You bar stewards, and not one of you bothered to tell the Dog."
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Katy'sClan · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 9:34 pm Post subject:

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil
is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
have no room for you and you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water.
He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room.
In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"
commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah,
I can handle this." The devil smiled and said
...........................

"MONICA, you're free to go!"
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Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow"

Good_Queen_Bess · Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 11:09 pm Post subject:

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Paz,
Jackiex

Dougie · Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 2:28 pm Post subject:

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Aberdine

Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine- two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next? All my love, Aberdine

Dearest John, Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - 3 French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you have been too kind. Love, Aberdine

Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Aberdine

Dear John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 Golden Rings; 1 for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All My love, Aberdine

Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are starting to complain, and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Aberdine

John, What's with you and those F---ing birds? 7 Swans a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never shut up. I can't get to sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with those F---ing birds already. Sincerely, Aberdine

Okay buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I to do with 8 maids-a-Milking? It's not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off, smart-ass! Aberdeen

Hey asshole: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers piping, and Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to have me evicted. You'll get yours... Aberdine

You rotten p*ick! Now there are 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been at it all night, along with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of turds. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intervene. One who means it. Venomously, Aberdine

Listen F---head: What's with the 11 lords a-leaping all over those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run through the maids and are committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead! They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, vicious, swine. Your sworn enemy, Aberdine

Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Aberdine. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Aberdine at the Happy Valley Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole - Attorneys at Law

annedave · Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:19 pm Post subject:

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel
hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said,
"Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no
women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have the camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about "urges", so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy
with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?",

No not really, sir...
They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

annedave · Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:20 pm Post subject:

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the >> > > now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair >> > > watching the world go by, with her cat Alan. >> > > >> > > One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. >> > > Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after >> > > all these years?" >> > > >> > > The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have >> > > lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to >> > > grant you three wishes. >> > > >> > > Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" >> > > >> > > Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she >> > > said. >> > > >> > > Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her >> > > cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch >> > > quivering with fear. "Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said >> > > Cinderella. >> > > >> > > "Is there anything else you might wish for?" asked the Fairy >> > > Godmother. >> > > >> > > Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was >> > > young and full of the beauty I once had." >> > > >> > > >> > > At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella had feelings inside her >> > > that she had not felt for years. >> > > >> > > The Fairy Godmother said, "You have one wish remaining, what >> > > shall you have?" >> > > >> > > Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, >> > > "I wish you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young >> > > man." >> > > >> > > Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them >> > > stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could >> > > match. >> > > >> > > The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. >> > > Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone. >> > > >> > > For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each >> > > other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most >> > > stunning, perfect man she had ever seen. >> > > >> > > Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular >> > > arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm >> > > breath, >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > >> > > "Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"

McBabe · Posted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 12:15 pm Post subject:

A married couple was on a holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex machine?

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years.
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican began screaming: "You got dem on de wrong feet, mon
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Katy'sClan · Posted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 5:26 pm Post subject:

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in
the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went
missing!!

The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village, so he started to
question his parishioners in the church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no!", he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.

"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three alter boys, two priests, and a goat stood up.
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Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow"

Keyman · Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 8:36 pm Post subject:

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker-trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.
They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
The father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
_________________
Life is too short to be serious all the time!

Guest3 · Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 9:49 pm Post subject:

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mammy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his whoops! in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s whoops! in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewellry, my dear. Jewellry.” alec

Guest3 · Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 9:58 pm Post subject:

Joe is sitting on a train across from a
busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and
inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?" alec