Risque Jokes - If easily offended DON'T LOOK

Dougie · Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 10:05 am Post subject:

If you have clicked here by mistake and are easily offended, PLEASE LEAVE.

fizz · Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 1:27 pm Post subject:

so wheres the dirty jokes

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GoldenChippie · Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 2:02 pm Post subject:

trust you to be asking

im sure you know loads

Katy'sClan · Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 4:15 pm Post subject:

Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.
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Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow"

Acorncup · Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 4:21 pm Post subject:

(I was only on this forum to see what it was like...honest !)

Keyman · Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 2:26 am Post subject:

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Life is too short to be serious all the time!

Keyman · Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 3:08 am Post subject:

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgetable."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

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Life is too short to be serious all the time!

Guest2 · Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 6:49 pm Post subject:

Wigan man goes into pies shop, on one side is a display case full of pies. On the other side is a couch with a lovely fur throw over it and a few cushions.

Above the pie display is a sign which says.

'Pies 2 for a £1 or a P Rank (cockney rhyme for a w**k) for a £1'

Out comes a beautiful blonde from the side door.

Fella is shocked at her beauty.

So he says 'are you the girl that does the P Rank?,'

she looks at him and replies 'yes'

When the wiganer then replies with

'well can you wash your hands as i want 2 of those pies'

fwh · Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 8:41 pm Post subject:

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the b!tch stole ma wallet !".

fwh · Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 8:43 pm Post subject:

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and I feel terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running an eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?"

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"

GoldenChippie · Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 9:59 am Post subject:

FWH you little tinker - loved the cilla black one

Dougie · Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 10:20 am Post subject:

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer will-power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know" said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Homebase either."

tonyW · Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 12:39 pm Post subject:

What do you do if a bird cr&ps on your windscreen?

..........Easy, don`t ask her out again.

Monkey · Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 1:22 pm Post subject:

Man goes to a zoo, it only has one dog.

It was a shitzu.
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When I grow up I want to be an Ape

alien1 · Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 4:41 pm Post subject:

this has had me PMSL, gotta come in here more often.

Thankx every 1

Alien1

madsue · Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 5:06 pm Post subject:

lol!!! That took me a while monkey!!!!
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Monkey · Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 8:40 pm Post subject:

Guest3 · Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2005 7:11 pm Post subject:

2 sperm swimming side by side 1 said to other are we near the falopian tubes yet. the other replied dont think so we have just passed the tonsils. alec

Silverpixie (Admin) · Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2005 11:40 pm Post subject:

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bar stewards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!

And all of you bar stewards who are getting on, get your arse in the train, cause were going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.

Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat f**king bitch in the kitchen."
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Keyman · Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 12:33 am Post subject:

... A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. Things got out of hand, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says,
"Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says "OK."
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!" :wink: :)
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Life is too short to be serious all the time!