laws1
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More greats one Frank 
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Frank
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A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A man pushing his way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, "s**t! Just missed it by a half hour!"
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numberplease
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tonyW
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Duties of Wives!
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
Given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he
had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Welsh girl. He boasted that he
told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot
meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most
of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and
call a handyman.
God Bless Welsh Women
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tonyW
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My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would
be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves
a big red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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tonyW
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THE WEDDING NIGHT
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they
go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, ! gets up and
has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he
asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go
to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary
up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch
And go back
to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and
Mary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His Mom replies, 'Ok, do tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I
think I
gave him my airplane glue.'
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tonyW
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For the men-haters out there:
Q What do you do if a man is rolling around on the floor in agony?
A. Shoot him again.
2. Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
B. 3. Q. Why do little boys whine?
C. A. Because they're practicing to be men.
D. 4. Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
E. A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him or Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
F. 5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
G. A. Trustworthy.
H. 6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
I. A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
J. 7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
K. A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
L. 8. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
M. A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
N. 9. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
O. A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
P. 10. Q: What is the difference between men and women...
Q. A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
R. 11. Q: How does a man keep his youth?
S. A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
T. 12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
U. A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
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tonyW
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The 2 Prawns
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were
swimming
around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Christian. The
prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about
being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted". Lo and
behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old
mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark
boring
and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't
realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of
his
sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he
found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his
old
pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to
the
enemy & became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set
off to
Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your
old
friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.".........
(You're going to love this...)
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.(Scroll Down.)
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.
.
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".
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madsue
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Acorncup
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I love this one
| Quote: | Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. |
it is just so silly 
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tonyW
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I suppose that if women whistle...there must be a draft?
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fwh
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OXO have changed the packaging of their cubes.
New package has the England flag on it and is marketed as The Laughing Stock cube
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tonyW
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This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment.
Then she said seriously: ' I think so. Provided those w****rs at Jewsons deliver the f*****g bricks.'
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Julie
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Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey
Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You
cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'4 months vacation and five good leads.'
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Julie
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Little known xmas factNot long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
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Frank
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A hungry young cowboy walks into a diner in a small town in West Texas.
He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of soup.
After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"?
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead"
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over, slides the bowl over to his place, and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the soup.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the soup into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too"
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Frank
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You may think this is going to be a boring documentary, but stick with it.....
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fwh
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Paddy went into a pub and saw a sign saying "Pub Challenge - win free beer for a year!".
Upon asking the landlord he was told it was a three part challenge, the first being to knock out the 6'6" 20 stone bricklayer in the corner, the second was to remove an abcessed tooth from the huge rottweiler in the cellar, and the third to go upstairs and make love to the landlords incontinent 89 year old mother in law.
"Right sir" said Paddy " I'll accept the challenge", and with that he picked up a bottle ran across the room and laid out the bricklayer.
He then went down into the cellar where there ensued a terrific noise of breaking glass, barrels overturning, barks, snarls and growls which lasted for what seemed like ages.
Paddy eventually emerged, his clothes ripped to peices and covered in blood and in a hell of a state and said " Right sir - where's that old lady with the bad tooth...?"
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fwh
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A feller buys a very small miniature Shetland pony. Next morning he finds it shaking and in a very sorry state and calls the vet.
After examining it the vet says that there is nothing really wrong with it apart from exhaustion.
He then spots a large stallion in the next stall and says it is probably the amorous culprit.
"What can I do?" says the owner "I've only got this one stable".
The vet then suggests that the owner cover up the little horse at night with a white sheet so the stallion doesn't notice it.
He does so, but next morning the stable door is wide open and there is no sign of the little horse or the white sheet.
He goes running up and down the surrounding lanes trying to find it, and eventually comes across a couple out walking.
"Excuse me" he says "Have you seen a little horse covered in a white sheet?"
"No" said the couple "But we have seen a little horse running hell for leather with a white hanky stuck out of it's @rse...."
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Aslemma
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One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, Mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now!, Let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and me do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon," replied Rosita
"Please, Corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said,
"OK, just one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro quickly grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
Gottcha, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
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Silverpixie (Admin)
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Nice one.
 to you too.
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Frank
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Yes, Good one.. I just pinched it for my forum 
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Aslemma
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Sub-prime problems!
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal………………
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Aslemma
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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
- God replied: "Sorry, but I didn't recognize you."
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maureenl
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nice one
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Good_Queen_Bess
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Tango Bunny
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Groan......good tho
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hbrac
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RetirementWorking people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Worthing and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a moron. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age
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hbrac
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Symptoms of being Over 25SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25
1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".
(Worst still you don't go to the clubs)
2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday
than going clubbing the night before.
3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer /basketball player and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
5. All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.
6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.
7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.
8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.
9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of most of the things that are in it.
10. You start to worry about your parents' health.
11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Grommit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children.
13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.
14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice half-bottle of house red.
15. You always have enough milk in.
16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in. Grand Designs also appeals.
18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
20. You wish you had a shed.
21. You have a shed.
22. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 4 TV channels" and "Not in my day...."
23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.
24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at rowdy school children.
25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.
26. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me
27. You understand the above and forward it to your fellow aging friends.
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hbrac
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Something to Offend EveryoneSOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper spray will do that to you ..
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
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hbrac
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It's a crackerPaddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says "how you doin?"
Paddy says "do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are
freezin."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's two gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
sitting on the bed.
He says "your dad sent me up here to shag the both of you " .
They say "get away with ya.. prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back "of course both of em, what's the point of f#ckin one?"
__
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hbrac
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Quiz shows.....Contestants answersUNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC 2)
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're..?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC 2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
MAGIC 52 ( NORTHEAST ENGLAND )
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?
RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ..?
Caller: Mohicans.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six..
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word ??? CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM )
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest ?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland , is it?
THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT )
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana .
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean .
Contestant: New Zealand .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er . er ...three?
RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor ?
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm . . .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus
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hbrac
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Navy PayoutThe Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to bemeasured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my whoops! to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old CPO insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did.
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's whoops! and began to work back.
"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "The Falklands."
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numberplease
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hbrac
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Irish Speedos ( With apologies to our Irish members)Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem
to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some
advice.
Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos -
about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside
'em.
I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new
tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their
faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's
wrong now?"
JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard,
"Maaaaate.
The potato goes in front!"
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tonyW
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A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, 'Doc, I'm constipated.'
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, 'Lean over the table.' The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, 'Doc, I feel great. What should I do?'
The doctor says, 'Stop wiping with cement bags.'
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tonyW
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A lawyer married a woman...
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
' 'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'
'Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband#10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.... God! I miss him!!!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!'
'Good,' said the lawyer, 'but, why?'
'Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!'
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hbrac
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Answering machine message at the Mental Hospital"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......"
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r- e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short- term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry.
You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
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hbrac
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Why we love the British1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, and move your golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your .......... sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
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hbrac
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A Horse ,a chicken and a HarleyOn the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
"When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks."
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tonyW
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WOMAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 20th October 2007
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed.
I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed.
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love.
He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep.
MANS DIARY:
Saturday 20th October 2007
England lost to South Africa. Gutted. Got a shag though .
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hbrac
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Thai BrideAn old man back in Australia from Thailand is relaxing with his new mail order Thai bride.
Lying in bed, his new bride is playing with his manhood, slowly stroking it up and down.
The old man says "You must love that, you haven’t left it alone since we got back."
The bride sighed wistfully and replied "Not really ... I just miss mine."
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hbrac
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Washington Post Mensa InvitationalIn case you missed it, here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explod es, and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) :The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17.Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eat ing.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. coffee, n., the person upon whom one coughs.
2. flabbergasted, adj., appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. abdicate, v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade, v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
6. negligent, adj., absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. lymph, v., to walk with a lisp.
8. gargoyle, n., olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. flatulence, n., emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. balderdash, n., a rapidly receding hairline.
11. testicle, n., a humorous question on an exam.
12. rectitude, n., the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
13. pokemon, n., a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. oyster, n,. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n., the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. circumvent, n., an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
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Silverpixie (Admin)
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Brilliant Hils, I love new words.
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hbrac
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Another blonde jokeTwo sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... "com-for-da-bul."
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hbrac
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Infamous Tesco MurderTired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side,
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then
explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was £5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested
inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept
the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the
manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol'
Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with
the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper,
The headline declared............
(You're going to hate me for this)
'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'
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hbrac
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Times have changed a bit LOL !!The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
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hbrac
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The little paper bagA little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors..
'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and
see
what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days.'
The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.
'What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?'
asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?' queried the doctor.
'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!
'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual relationship?'
'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag.
'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor
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(this is good - wait for it . ..... .... ....)
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'Your mother must have been a carrier'
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Tango Bunny
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Brilliant
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