Frank
|
Childrens letters to GodA new book called "Childrens letters to god" is due out soon. The Daily Mail published a few excerpts from them :-
Dear God,
Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours or do you just know him through business ?
Dear God,
On halloween I am going to wear a Devils costume. Is that all right with you ?
Dear God,
In Sunday school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on holiday ?
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel wouldn't kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother
Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Dear God,
Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother.
Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries ?
Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get to heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house ?
Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why dont you just keep the ones you got now ?
Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy
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Aslemma
|
These questions about Australia, were from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?(USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
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medot
|
ooo good one aslemma
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hbrac
|
A Modern Day FableTRADITIONAL VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
MODERN VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights, Bono and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile.
The squirrels food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice.
On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice.
The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.
He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.
The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
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bettyboop
|
Too bloody true Hils!!!!!
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fwh
|
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed.
"Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
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hbrac
|
Irish DrunkPaddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-aids and began putting a band-aid (as best he could) on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty band-aid
box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you, Paddy?"
Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door. It could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs. It could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes. But mostly, it's all those band-aids stuck on the hall mirror."
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bettyboop
|
Teehhee, it's the way you tell 'em!!!
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hbrac
|
The TieThis one will especially appeal to anybody who is Jewish or has Jewish friends
A fleeing al Quaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through
the desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object , only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy
a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want
to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger
than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,
you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need.
Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
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bettyboop
|
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MikeCunliffe
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I liked this one - even though I DON'T play golf.
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A
warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying
on its side near the broken window.
A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that
broke my window?"
"Uh yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, No apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you
each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young
lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always
be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said,"Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a
fortune and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for
you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your
husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding" he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"
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Pam7
|
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid.
As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the
course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he
asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 to sleep with him.
As she is traveling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and
after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him
again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to
agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that
if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia. - "Melbourne", he tells her.
"So am I. What suburb?" she enquirers.
"Glen Iris" he replies.
"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what
street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies.
"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering.
"What number?"
"Number 20", he replies.
She is totally astonished.
"You are NOT going to believe this........", she screams, "but I'm from
number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
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hbrac
|
Getting OlderHAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM ... OR COULD HE???
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE CLAIMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH
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bettyboop
|
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front pierces the silence...
"Well, f***ing stop it then!"
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hbrac
|
The ChickenA chicken farmer went into a local pub and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He replied, "What a coincidence! This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" she said.
"What a coincidence," said the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence." said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For months all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said..........
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hbrac
|
Advice for lifeIf a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto. The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a
stiff broom in the trunk of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass
to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
blank.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how "tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc. tastes exactly like the real thing," they won't know
any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
and last but not least
3. Age test
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age can't do it.
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top
down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.
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springpaws
|
My daughter in law emailed me these. I'm from MI so they were funny to me. Do they mean anything to anyone else? BTW how does the rest of the world measure distance?
You know you're a true MICHIGANIAN when.............
1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Ohio
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.
24. You know what a Yooper is.
25. You think owning a Honda is Un-American.
26. You know that UP is a place, not a direction
27. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.
28. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.
29. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends.
BTW, #11 is a little off- it's almost winter/finishing construction, winter, still winter/orange barrels, construction.
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shorty
|
well not being from Michigan they didn't mean an awful lot but I feel I know a lot more about Michigan now, having read them!!
here's a clean joke for a change from me:
The perils of drinking:
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken."
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good, replied the teacher".
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Eileen. Aunty Eileen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Eileen when she's been drinking!"
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hbrac
|
The Pope and the RabbiThe Pope and the Rabbi
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish
community.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy . If the Pope won, they would
have to leave or convert.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moshe to
represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and
the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent"
debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.
Next.....the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten... that
Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy .
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still
only one God common to both our beliefs.
Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all
around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was
also right here with us.
"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our
sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
"He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile...the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue!!" said Moshe. "First he said to me that we had three
days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger!
"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I
said to him we're staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
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Tango Bunny
|
Brill Hills
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hbrac
|
Student NurseStudent Nurse
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath."
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his whoops! in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.................................................................
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
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hbrac
|
Tommy Cooper ClassicsTommy Cooper classics
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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And
there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said
'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said
"You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said
'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen,
it said
'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go to those places"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a
month for the next 2 years.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone answering machine message -
...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak
and heat it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"
|
hbrac
|
Maths InstructionA public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-gebra is a problem for us Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to
themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country".
As the Greek phi! landerer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides
to every triangle.'
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said,If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes. White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President during his entire administration.
|
shorty
|
Some of those TOMMY Cooper ones are absolutely brilliant!
|
Pam7
|
A Groaner!!!!
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a
£10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out of
interest, How moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
"£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman
(Wait for it...........scroll down.)
I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
|
hbrac
|
FunniesMy boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This
will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get
back in.
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss
you."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A:45 minutes.
Q:What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A:Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q:Why do men want to marry virgins?
A:They can't stand criticism.
Q:Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive caring, and good looking?
A:Because those men already have boyfriends
Q:What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying?
A:The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.
|
Aslemma
|
A wife told her husband she was fed up with going on holiday with him, as all he ever wanted to do was play Golf, so would he mind if she went on her own to Barbados. The husband wanted to please her so he paid for a month's holiday in the sun, and off she went.
While she was there she met a guy who was as black as the Ace of Spades, charming, good looking and very attentive. One thing led to another, (as they do) and for the last three weeks of the holiday he made mad, passionate love to her, two, three times a night.
On the last day, she thanked him for making her holiday so wonderful, and told him she had never been so happy and fulfilled in all her life. "Just one thing though", she said, "You have never told me your name"
"You'll just laugh if I do" said he.
"No, I promise I won't do that after the wonderful time we've had" she promised.
"O.K. then it's Snow"
"Snow! Snow!" she laughed, "Oh dear, just fancy Snow!"
"I told you you'd laugh at it" he groaned.
"Oh, no, not at your name, I'm just thinking of the surprise on my husband's face when I tell him I had twelve inches of snow in Barbados!!!!!
|
hbrac
|
Love storyI will seek and find you . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!
|
Aslemma
|
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP laserjet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as he stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant," says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked, and you know damn-all about my business.
"Now give me back my dog."
|
hbrac
|
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had
kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all
be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 ks to the litre."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
|
hbrac
|
Sam and Henrietta were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the
wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with
a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said,
"Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
Sam asked how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course,
finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all
free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Henrietta.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the
decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as
much as you
like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is
Heaven!"
Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
Sam glared at Henrietta and said,
"You and your shitty bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago...
|
hbrac
|
JokeA man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
That will be £15.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, chips and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £44.60."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say
|
madsue
|
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
|
hbrac
|
Stars in their eyesStars In Their Eyes
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches,
with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come
out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'
Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when
we had a really bad accident.
Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped
in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The
doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'
'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?'asks Matthew.
'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my
uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his
body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have
been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully
again by the end of the year.
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are
you going to be?'
Scroll down...
'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'
|
Asylum
|
A Gorilla walks into a bar on the Auckland Viaduct Basin, walks upto the barman, puts a $10 note on the bar and says, as clear as day "Can i have a pint of Monteiths Celtic Red please".
The barman looks a bit shocked, but thinks a sale is a sale so pours the pint and hands it to the gorilla along with $2 in change.
After a awkward silence, the barman pipes up and says "Ya know, we dont get many gorillas in here these days"
The Gorilla replies "For $8 a pint i can bloody well see why".
|
fwh
|
THE 6 BEST SMART A ** ANSWERS OF 2006
SMART A ** ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART A ** ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART A ** ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART A ** ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART A ** ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART A ** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
|
hbrac
|
What's in a nameA good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,
"I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said,
"My name is whoops! van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name!
The van Lesbian name is centuries old,
I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.
Not ever."
The agent said,
"Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...
you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like whoops! van Lesbian!
I'm telling you you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able
to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together,"
the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
inside the envelope are a letter and a check for $50,000.
The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir, Five years ago,
I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you
told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like whoops!
van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said.
I decided you were right. I had to change my name.
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another
agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely, Dick van Dyke
|
fwh
|
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world
|
Pam7
|
Red Neck Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
|
McBabe
|
Onions & Christmas Trees
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of `boobies` are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three
kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice
but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
" Mum , how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man
goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an
oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
|
Aslemma
|
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my Garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council and the Environment Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted a Flood Risk Assessment on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
|
Frank
|
Indian Version of Bohemian RhapsodyIndian Version of Bohemian Rhapsody
Naan, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras ..
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This dopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
[guitar solo]
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
[guitar solo]
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
[guitar solo]
[slow bit]
Korma or dopiaza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)
|
Pam7
|
EXCELLENT!!!!
|
Pam7
|
Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends
and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his
father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
|
fwh
|
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Three dogs at the vets, two mongrels and an Alsatian.
The Alsatian to the first mongrel. 'What are you here for?'
Mongrel 'I'm going to be put down.'
Alsatian 'Why, what have you done?'
Mongrel 'I did a pooh on the carpet'
Alsatian 'That's a bit drastic' To the other mongrel, 'and what about you?'
Mongrel 'I was playing with the kids. The little one pulled my tail and I instinctively turned and bit him.'
Alsatian 'So what are they going to do with you?
Mongrel 'They are putting me down as well.'
Mongrels to the Alsatian. 'What about you then?
Alsatian 'I live in a big house. I have the run of the whole house. All doors are left open. I can go where I want even when they are out. I went upstairs into the bathroom. The mistress was there drawing a bath. She was leaning over the bath and completely naked. I couldn't help myself, I just jumped on her back and mounted her'
The mongrels 'So why are you here?'
Alsatian 'To get my nails clipped'
|
Channel H
|
dallas car salesmanA Dallas car salesman checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit
>lonely. He was single so he got to thinking about some female company.
>So, he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone
>books from one of the "escort" services. He picked a number and dialed it.
>
>A woman answered, "Hello?"
>
>"Hi, I hear you do escorts and massages and I'd like you to come to my hotel
>room and give me a massage. And after that I want sex! In fact I want
>jungle sex . . wild, crazy hanging-from-the-chandelier type sex!
>I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it! Bring all
>kinds of sex toys too! I don't care what they are, you can use them on me!
>You can even tie me up and then cover me in whipped cream! Now how does
>that sound?" he asked.
>
>The woman said, "Interesting sir, but for an outside line you press 9
>first."
|
fwh
|
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his
new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and
shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's
varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale
and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit p*ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is,
dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B
flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show off his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again.
"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly p*ssed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK
smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike
and
..
.
.
.
.
starts to sing .....
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wish
A Newfoundlander and an Irishman, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a
lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While
rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigourously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness
on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going P a d d y!!!!!!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
|
Aslemma
|
Driving to the office this morning on the M25, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 mph with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!!
It scared me (I'm a man ) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which, knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand!
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear,
which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and
burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!
F****NG WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!
|
sancho proudfoot
|
Australian joke!A bloke's wife goes missing while she and her hubby are scuba-diving. He reports it to the police & spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news and maybe some really good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad new first"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bruce here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was long dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is?
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauts. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well," the Sarge says, "me and young Bruce here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....You fancy comin' with us?"
|
fwh
|
2005 Stella Awards
Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards."
The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck
who spilled hot coffee on herself
and successfully sued McDonald's (in USA).
That case inspired the Stella Awards
for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.
Here are this year's winners (from 5th to 1st place)
2005 Stella Awards
5th Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas,
was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers
after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler
who was running inside a furniture store.
The owners of the store were understandably surprised
at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.
2005 Stella Awards
5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles
won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbour ran over his hand
with a Honda Accord.
Mr Truman apparently didn't notice
there was someone at the wheel of the car
when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.
2005 Stella Awards
5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!
2005 Stella Awards
4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas,
was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses
after being bitten on the buttocks
by his next door neighbour's beagle.
The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
The award was less than sought because the jury felt
the dog might have been just a little provoked
at the time by Mr Williams who had climbed
over the fence into the yard
and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
2005 Stella Awards
3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered
to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink
and broke her coccyx (tailbone).
The beverage was on the floor
because Ms Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2005 Stella Awards
2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware,
successfully sued the owner of a night club
in a neighbouring city when she fell
from the bathroom window to the floor
and knocked out her two front teeth.
This occurred while Ms Walton was trying
to sneak through the window in the ladies room
to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge.
She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
2005 Stella Awards
1st Place:
This year's runaway winner was Mrs Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
Mrs Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago (RV) motor home. On her first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
|
bettyboop
|
The Boss Had to Fire Somebody. He had narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who
used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I
have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like $hit."
|
Pam7
|
An Aboriginal found himself in a brothel in Kings Cross (Australia) and decided to approach a prostitute.
He asked her, "How much do you charge for the hour? "$100," She replied.
"Do you do Aboriginal style?" Not knowing exactly what this was she
refused.
He tried to sweeten the deal and said, "I'll pay you $300 to do it
Aboriginal style".
Again she declined. Being the persistent type, he laid down the final
offer, "I'll give you $500 to go Aboriginal style with me! What do you
say?"
Finally she agrees thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years
now. I've been there and done that, and had every kind of request from
weirdo's all over the world. How bad could Aboriginal style be?"
After several intense hours of every possible way and position, she turned to him and said. "That was fantastic, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Aboriginal style' come in?"
The Aboriginal opened a can of beer and replied,
"I'll pay you next Wednesday when I get my dole cheque."
|
shorty
|
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.
After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for break.George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after break. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, It's question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him his name.
"Little Johnnie" he responds.
"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"
"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley ?"
|
McBabe
|
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DONT MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone
in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT
|
shorty
|
like that one!
|
MikeCunliffe
|
My Brother sent me this: Thought I'd share it out
This just goes to show that there is always someone just that little bit smarter (and more vindictive) than a sharp lawyer.
Charlotte, North Carolina , USA.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued...and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim!
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires". NOW, FOR THE BEST PART...After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company hadhim arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine!
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the 2006 Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!
|
Katy'sClan
|
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
|
shorty
|
love it!!!
|
fwh
|
What do you call a big shop staffed entirely by Nuns?
Virgin Megastore!
|
Emma
|
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her knickers, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
|
shorty
|
 like that one!!
|
McBabe
|
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your
toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in t he last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
|
Emma
|
A woman takes her pet duck to see the vet. The duck is clearly sick, and the vet crosses the room and opens a door, bringing out a dog and a cat.
The cat sniffs at the duck for a minute, looks at the vet, and shakes his head.
The dog sniffs at the duck for a minute, looks at the vet, and shakes his head.
"I'm really sorry, madam, theres nothing we can do for your poor duck. That'll be £250, please" says the vet.
The woman responds "£250 to tell me theres nothing you can do for my duck?! Why so expensive?!"
The vet responds "Well, after the Cat Scan and the Lab Report...."
|
Emma
|
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: May 9th, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here
now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
|
Katy'sClan
|
Irish Paddy and Mick were making letter bombs... Paddy says to Mick "do you think I have enough explosives in this one?" Mick replies " I dunno, open and see what happens!" Paddy says "sod off it will blow me up!!" to which Mick replies " don't be so bloody stupid, it's not addressed to you"
|
Pam7
|
PMSL!!!
|
laws1
|
Offside rule explainedEspecially for G bell
The offside rule explained for girls.
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.
Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.
Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, 'whilst it is in flight' you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.
Always remembering that until the purse had 'actually been thrown' it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.
__________________
|
McBabe
|
Best Little Convent in Texas
A man was driving down a deserted stretch of Texas highway
when out of the corner of his eye he notices a sign. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and so he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. . . . Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a little nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and as she walks away tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and another nun in a similar, long habit, holding a tin cup, answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, THEN . . . go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
|
Carol
|
|
McBabe
|
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?"
"It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs."
"You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
yells:
"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bar-steward on your knee."
|
hbrac
|
A woman's taleBy popular request I have posted a joke that should bring a tear to the eyes of all the laydees here. If you PYSL...well that's the idea!
Enjoy!!
A woman's tale...................
When you need to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women waiting, you smile politely and take your place in the line, it finally gets to your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.
Every cubicle is occupied.
But eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle.
You get in to find the door wont lock. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long and you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty.
You would hang your bag on the door hook if there was one, but there isn't so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down your pants and assume "the position".
In this position your ageing, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You would love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "the position".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment you reach for the toilet paper dispenser and your worst nightmare - it's empty, the toilet roll dispenser is empty. You hover looking around in the hope there's a new roll behind you no such luck. Your thighs start to shake more.
Then you remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday the one that's still in your handbag, which is now burning your neck & shoulders with the weight. So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled used tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your cubicle door and because the latch doesn't work the door hits your head, which is bent forward from you holding your bag around your neck while you are rummaging for that used tissue, the door takes you by surprise and you start to lose your balance and topple backwards.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach to push the door shut & drop the precious, tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just managed to retrieve with your index finger into an 'unknown' puddle on the floor.
If that isn't enough you lose your balance altogether, or just give up and... sit down ... directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
Yes, - it's wet! You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your thighs and bottom have made contact with every imaginable germ & life form that lives on the uncovered seat.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of cold water like
a fire hose into the bowl which causes a spray of fine mist that completely covers your bum and runs downs your legs along with all the various life forms and down into your dishevelled pants which have now dropped to your ankles with your hems soaking up that puddle from the floor.
The flush seems to suck everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe your self with a piece of gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You cannot figure out how to operate the tap, so run your hands underneath it grateful for the two drops of water there and around the basin itself.
You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where of course there are no paper towels so you move onto the hand blower,which yes you've guessed it that doesn't work either!
You're no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there's an unspoken understanding between you all.
A kind soul at the very end of the line of women points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. Where was that when you NEEDED IT??? You yank the paper from your shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".
As you exit you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your handbag hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loos. It also helps explain to the men why it really does take us women so long and it also answers that commonly asked question why do women always go to the loos in pairs?
It's so your friend can hold the door, hang onto your bag and pass you tissue under the door!
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McBabe
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You may have heard this before but I like it
The Husband Store
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at
the entrance:-
1. You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
2. There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you
ascend the flights.
3. You may choose any Item from a particular floor, or may choose to go
up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the
building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are
extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs,
Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with
Housework and have A Strong Romantic Streak
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor there are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just
across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
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hbrac
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David Blaine testThis is creepy!
Think of a letter between A and W.
Repeat it out loud (you can whisper if you want) and concentrate on the letter as you scroll down.
Keep going ..............................
Don't stop ....
Now, Think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.
Okay, now think of either a man's/woman's name
that begins with the*last* letter in the animals name
Almost there........
Now count out the letters in that name by tapping on the desk with the
hand you are not using to scroll down.
Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level
Look at your palm very closely and notice
the lines in your hand
Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?
*Of course they f***ing don't....... *
* *
Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and stop playing stupid e-mail games!
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Frank
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Heres a true story.
I recently had a Satnav bought for my birthday and I used it when I went to visit my son, wife and grandson Ryan in Hull. After parking on their drive, I removed the TomTom from view and put it in my car boot.
Later that day Ryan and I had occasion to go to the car boot to collect some items. Naturally Ryan (aged 2 and a half) was curious about this gadget in the boot.
So I switched it on to show him, and pressed the screen and a female voice said "At the end of the road - turn left". He was tickled pink by this. As we got back into the house I heard him say "Mummy, granddad has a lady in the boot! "
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Carol
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Frank I love it
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hbrac
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Stop Choking- Aussie styleA woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her *rse.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bl**dy
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it."
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madsue
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Carol
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hbrac
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New type of terroristsAt New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set-square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
_____________________
"These are interesting times. We don't trust the government, we don't trust the legal system, we don't trust the media, and we don't trust each other! We've undermined all authority, and with it, the basis for replacing it! It's like a six-year-old's dream come true!" Calvin & Hobbes
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Frank
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THE SKELETON
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room
for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not
be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton
in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should
call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet
and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They
said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more,
they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We
are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know
if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of
important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
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da mama
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Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised
already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the
minister, even ma stag night..."
Archie nods approvingly.
"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that!
And what's the tartan?"
"Ach," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white."
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Frank
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A few silly ones............
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
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shorty
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ooh funny and clean!!!!
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laws1
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Good ones Frank
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Frank
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A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
"£85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"£85!!! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock £15 off.
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40".
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "and it's going to be very traumatic, but I'll charge you £5."
"Ochh-man , now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.
"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
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Frank
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A man thinks he is going deaf so goes to see his Doctor.
The Doctor says' What are the symptoms'
The man says....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
'They are a disfunctional TV family with yellow heads'
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Frank
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John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They rambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 8 stones 0 pounds . She got on the scale; it read 7st 9lbs and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Big Wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his pound.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next."I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
scroll down
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
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Frank
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Silly Signs
Automatic washing machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
Bargain basement upstairs.
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Horse manure per pre-packed bag do-it-yourself.
After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
This is the gate of heaven. enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side door.)
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
Slow cattle crossing. no overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.
Due to increasing problems with letter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.
Elephants please stay in your car.
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left.
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Frank
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One or two old ones here....thay say the old ones are the best ones. I wonder if they were written by Tony Blackburn..... Tony who ?
Evidence has emerged that William Tell's family were avid bowlers. However, since a fire destroyed all the old Swiss league records, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into a doctor's clinic, shouting, "Help me! I think I'm shrinking!!" The receptionist calmly replied: "The doctor's busy. Please be a little patient!"
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, he returned to check the chief's progress. The chief shrugged and said: "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
An Apache chief had three wives. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys, which proves that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies,assisted by a tribal medicine man who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the bruja reassured him: "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
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Frank
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I don't know where you get 'em from Frank.
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da mama
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talking to yourself again frank ???
xx
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Frank
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Well I might as well laugh at them. Few other people do.
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Frank
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An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's.Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."
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Frank
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It's the way you tell 'em Frank.
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shorty
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like that one Frank
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madsue
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Just caught up on the last weeks worth!!!! Keep'em coming Frank, I love them!!!!!
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GoldenChippie
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numberplease
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Love `em Frank!
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Frank
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THE 2 ITALIANS
Luigi and Antonio met on the street.
"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."
"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."
"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been in jail?"
"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."
"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.
"Yeah, but dis beach was screamin' and akickin' and ayellin'!"
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shorty
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