How much do you loveyour Mama?

hbrac · How much do you loveyour Mama?

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." Luv Ya, Mama

hbrac

Ooops duplicate entry

chocaholicsanon

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Then Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

sancho proudfoot

A lad is having trouble with his English homework, so goes and says to his Dad "What's the differnce between "potentially" and "realistically", Dad?"

The father thinks, and then says "go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds.

Then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. When you have their answers come and talk to me again."

Puzzled the lad asks his Mum if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds.

"Oh, wow!" she says "Absolutely! he may be getting older but he's still gorgeous! "

Then he goes to his sister, and asks her if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. "Ohhhhhhh, Brad Pitt!" she says, "ooohhhh he's lovely........of course I would!"

He goes back to his father, who says "Well?"

The lad looks at him, and then says "Potentially, we're sitting on two million quid. Realistically, we're sharing our home with a couple of slappers."

"That's my boy.........................."

hbrac

SHORT STUFF

1. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name.?"

2. A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine"

3. "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

4. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

5 An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

6. Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

7. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

8. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
I don't know. B ut it sure made a hole in Juan."

9. The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken
in water. And then you dump the stock.

10. This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

11. Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

12. A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say?" asked the nurse.
"OOPS !

hbrac · The Pharmacist

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy", I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad
things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the
pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, Hell, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

mel-1810

A Chav girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
How many children?" asks the council worker.
10" replies the Chav girl
10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
Doesn't that get confusing?"
Naah..." says the Chav girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout
WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
That's easy," says the Chav girl... "I just use their surnames"

McBabe

There's an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."

hbrac · Pregnancy ,Oestrogen and Women

Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

hbrac · Famous sayings

1. "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

2. "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

3. "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
380SL."
Lynn Lavner

4. "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia

5. "Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

6. "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship."
Sharon Stone

7. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

8. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

9. "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a
sense of humor)

10. "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

11. "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

12. "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

13. "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many
>>men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

14. "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld

15. "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a whoops!, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

16. "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

17. "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin

18. "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips

19. "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

20. "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

Dougie · Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table

: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!".

Broken table - £585.26

Hot breakfast - £4.20

Red Rose bud - £3.00

Two aspirins - £0.80

Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless.

Acorncup

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here n*ked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times."

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your tea and the other is in your porridge."

hbrac · Did you know this about vodka

DID YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT VODKA?

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray
bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash
clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean
cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your
safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects
the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to
cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol
cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to
kill them.
9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black
eyes.
10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender
flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun
for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the
tincture to aches and pains.
11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and
back as a liniment.
12! To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.
14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the
urushiol oil from your skin.
15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
16. NEVER DRINK THE STUFF - IT'LL KILL YOU!

hbrac · What gender is a computer?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer"
should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computadora" ) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
("el computador" ) because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

hbrac · What is your url?

Webmasters who didn't think when they registered their URL - and they
do all exist. Here's a list of some funny URLs, where the designer didn't
thinking about how people would read the name of the site:

1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com

2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com

6) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line
with Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com
this last one has been pulled off the net.

Tango Bunny

The Value of Undies

The value of Undies!

Be Careful what you wear (or dont wear) when working under your vehicle ... especially in public.

From the Sydney Morning Herald comes the story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-mart only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car, on closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly PUBLIC ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hands UP his shorts and tucked everything back in place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic however, had to have 3 stitches in his head.

hbrac · Tony Blair'sHospital visit

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of
patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, (as usual!) the PM moves on to
the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

McBabe

Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there, I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin so we would." Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't. "

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never Guess we're Irish.No he won't."

"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."

So the 2 visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Warren Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind, I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen in my 'Sky Rocket'."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?" Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that ain't me best English accent ? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"

The Owner replies "This is a Dry Cleaners".

hbrac · The retired Irishmen

The Retired Irishmen

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher

fwh

The train was quite crowded,so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked,"Ma'am,may
I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in
particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using thatseat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired. "She snorted,
"Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked,"Someone
must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often
seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the
wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now,
sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b*tch out the window.

hbrac · The Letter

The letter

A Mother passing her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was made and everything was cleared up. Then she saw an envelope on
the bed.
It was addressed, "Mum". With the worst premonition, she opened the letter and read it with trembling hands.

Dear Mum,

It is with great sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad.

I've been finding real passion with Ahmed, and he is so nice, even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me, and that's now one of my dreams, too.

Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it ourselves and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it! Don't worry about me, Mum. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. One day I'm sure we'll be back so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter
xxxx

PS: Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at the
neighbours' house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my school report, which is in the middle drawer of my desk. I love
you.

Please call when it is safe to come home.

hbrac · Bird Flu

Breaking News . . . . .

Date: Sat, 18th March 2006
In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu , George W.Bush has bombed
the Canary Islands.

laws1

Had umpteen holidays to the Canary Isles. Never seen an canary on any of my trips

Thinking of trying the Virgin islands next year

hbrac

PMSL Laws

Acorncup

But would George Bush know that???????

hbrac · Pink Curtains

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman,

"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink
curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral
print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small -
what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her
computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need
curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"

hbrac · Eggs

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "Darling!! You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, leans her over the kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken

fwh

Murphy had died and his coffin was taken back to his house for the wake by his family.

When they arrived it was realised that there was no table to put the coffin on.

"I know", says Pat, "Put a chair underneath it".

"Be better off wit' two, one at each end" Says Mick.

"Might not be strong enough" says Dermot, "Put one in middle as well, that should do it".

"Well all the chairs are in use so nip next door to the pub and borrow some", says Pat.

Mick goes into the pub' and says "Can I have three chairs for Murphy?"

"Hip hip hooray........................."

Dougie

>In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
>the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and green, yellow and
>red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
>healthy lives.
>
>Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
>and Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said "You want chocolate with that?"
>and Man said "Yes!" and Woman said, "and while you're at it add some sprinkles."
>And
>they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
>
>And God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure
>that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the
>wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from
>size 6 to size 14.
>
>So God said "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
>Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the
>side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
>
>God then said "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
>in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
>chicken and fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man
>gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
>
>God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Cake" and
>said "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
>"Devil's Food".
>
>God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
>those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so
>Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman
>laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
>
>Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
>with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
>starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
>
>God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
>still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its £1
>double cheeseburger. Then said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes!
>And super size them!" And Satan said "It is good." And Man went into
>cardiac arrest.
>
>God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
>
>Then Satan created the National Health Service.

fwh

PENDING MARRIAGE

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.....

sancho proudfoot

A young man finds his calling, and joins a monastery.

After a few weeks the Father Abbot realises that young Brother Benjamin has fine handwriting, and is very patient. Brother Benjamin is hence transferred to the scriptorium, and set to work copying out the illuminated manuscripts which lay down the monks' rules and daily routines.

After a few years, he plucks up courage, and asks a senior monk whether the documents he is copying are the originals, or whether they are, in fact, copies themselves.

"Ohh, bless you my brother, " the older monk answers, "not only are these copies, but are copies of copies of copies.....the originals, maybe a thousand years old, are locked in our vaults. Every 75 years or so we make a new copy".

"But...." says Brother Benjamin nervously, " what if there was a mistake and we have been faithfully copying the mistake for centuries?"

The old monk thinks, and later goes to speak to the Abbot.

They agree that it is unlikely, as the scribes have never spotted any obvious errors over the centuries, but the Abbot says that he had better check ' just in case'.

He takes a full set of the documents and goes off to the vaults.

Some time later the old scribe wonders why the Abbot hasn't reappeared, and heads for the vault.

He is horrified to hear sobbing from the vault. He goes in, and finds the Father Abbot, sobbing uncontrollably, and clutching an ancient crumbling manuscript.

"My Father....What is the matter?"

The Abbot waves the old manuscript at the monk.

"The original says "CELEBRATE"!!!!!!!!!!!"

annedave · hitting the spot

Hitting the spot

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he is feeling. The 80-year-old says:

Ive never felt better. I now have a 20 year old wife who is pregnant with my first ever child. What do you think about that then Doc ?

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins:

I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went bang, bang.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?

The 80-year-old said, Id say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.

The doctor replied:

My point exactly

bluebabe

If a farmer grew a field of dildos what would be his biggest problem?

Sqatters

hbrac · Church bulletins

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer, the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. ( My favorite…)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours"

sancho proudfoot

Apparently, following his sudden tragic death, they found out that it would take three days to make Gene Pitney's coffin out of oak.................but only 24 hours from Balsa!

madsue

Groan!!!!!!!!

moonlighter

Moonlighter, I moved this into the Risque Jokes section. guest xx

Katy'sClan

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
> .
>
> The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf"

Emma

Two Women Meeting In Heaven...
>
>
>
>
>
> 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
>
>
>
> 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
>
>
>
> 1st woman: I froze to death.
>
>
>
> 2nd woman: How horrible!
>
>
>
> 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit
>
> shaking from the cold, I began to get warm 'n
>
> sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
>
> about you?
>
>
>
> 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
>
> suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
>
> home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
>
> found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
>
>
>
> 1st woman: So, what happened?
>
>
>
> 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
>
> there somewhere that I started running al l over the
>
> house looking. I ran up into t he attic and searched,
>
> and down into the basement. Then I went through
>
> every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
>
> this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally
>
> I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with
>
> a heart attack and died.
>
>
>
> 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both
>
>still be alive
>
>

shorty

pmsl, love it emma!!!!

hbrac · Jim and Edna

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly fell into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim
out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and
bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally
respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I
have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is
that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the
belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?"

hbrac · Sign at UK Golf Club

THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A UK GOLF CLUB

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please ... While others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well, done. Now flush the urinal, wash your hands, go outside, and tee off !

shorty

Brilliant, hbrac, especially the first one!

hbrac · New Disease warning

New Disease Warning

Worse than SARS and Bird Flu combined, The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behaviour.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past five years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include:
anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behaviour.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

shorty

pmsl!!

hbrac · WOMEN

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's White Wings , isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.
( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

hbrac · Why am I married?

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

" A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few mi nutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

hbrac · Pharmacology!!

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.

Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

shorty

pmsl

Channel H

hbrac. they are all bril

but i like the last one

hbrac · A midle aged woman

A middle aged woman

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken

to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing

God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43

years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in

and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to

live,she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While

crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had

another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the

ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you

hbrac · Zen sarcasm

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. (Just pretty much leave me the hell alone)

2. Always remember that you're unique. (Just like everyone else)

3. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

6. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

7. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

10. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of your payments.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

19. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

20. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

21. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

hbrac · Pet Story

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box.

He took the box home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again there was no answer.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situationHe decided to ask one more time, this time putting his face up against he centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my f***ing shoes."

hbrac · Converting a Bear

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of the University of Georgia in Athens. They would get together two or three times a week at the Varsity for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the "experience".

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to
find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the
Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to
slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,
Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is
coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN
another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus"

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him. He was in bad shape. Rabbi Lipschitz looks up and struggles
to speak to the others. "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out.

McBabe

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and
the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one
else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to
have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two
o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him
over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she
directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly
by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching
her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he
slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."

hbrac · Peace in the Middle East

PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST

The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that, if they continued fighting, They would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could the dog that won the fight would earn its Country the right to rule the world The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids And trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the five Years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and Swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing Machine."

"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

hbrac · Put a smile on your dial

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

11. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

12. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

13. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
! Anyone Can Roast Beef.

14. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

15. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

16. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

17. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

18. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!

madsue

I shouldn't really be passing these on, but they are funny I thought!!!!!!!

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION:

They're tiny women in little fur coats.

Why Airplanes Are Easier to Live with than Women:

Airplanes usually kill you quickly whereas a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Airplanes aren't pregnant when they're late.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
However, just like women, airplanes are expensive to operate and it usually means trouble if they suddenly go quiet.

The congregation was listening attentively to the Homily when suddenly...

...the Church was filled with smoke. When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail. Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew.

"Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered.

The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do."

Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

The man snorted, "What for? I've been married to your sister for 35 years!"

How many men does it take to open a beer? ...

... None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure..
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man was all screwed up after that.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

hbrac · Tommy Cooper One liners

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
"No,the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
' Is it common? '
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well,"says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says,"I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?
""No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my
driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm
in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. A man walked into a doctors. Doctor said "I think you've
got an ulcer".
Man says "I want a second opinion". Doctor says "You're ugly

MikeCunliffe

It was the end of the school year, and a primary school teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers?" "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held the gift above her head, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "Yes, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the off-licence store owner. The teacher held the package over her head, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked, "no," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No" the boy replied. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With a huge smile on his face, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

THE THIEF OF BAD GAGS

A billionaire Lord is on his death bed and surrounded by his staff. He calls to him his butler and says "Butler, you have been the best butler a Lord could have. You have kept this house in order and brought me breakfast in the morning and dinner in the evening. As a reward I give you Guild hall. It has 70 rooms and is yours to do with as you please."
The butler says "Thank you sir I am most grateful". The Lord then calls to him his chef and says "Chef, you have been the best chef a lord could have. You have prepared me the most delecious meals and have come up with the most amazing new recepies. As a reward I give you Milton hall. It has 80 rooms and is yours to do with as you please"
The cook says "Thank you sir I am most grateful". The Lord finally calls to him his gardener and says "Gardner, you have been the worst gardener a lord could have. You have let the garden get into a terrible state, the lawn is a mess and there's weeds everywhere! As a result I give you f**k all!"
The gardener stays silent for a minute then says "Hmm, how many rooms?"

hbrac · A Rabbit's Tale

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a

pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a

ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint

of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers

in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the

toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says

"A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and

toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches

have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is

making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and

Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of

the masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we

are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a

whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do

have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will

like it"? The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I

would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and

Onion Toastie"

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and

guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman

(who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small

white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you"

To which he is answered,"I am the ghost of the rabbit that used

to frequent your public house"

The barman says,"I remember you, you made me famous, you would

come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese

Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know"

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have

any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it"

The barman said "You never came back, after that fateful night,

what happened"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"Blimey " said the barman,"what from".

After a short pause.

(keep scrolling)

..................or possibly a long pause

The rabbit said... "Mixing me toasties "

Aslemma

Loved it Hilary :Cheerss:

Emma

good one!!

Acorncup

drat.....I didn't see that one coming

sancho proudfoot

Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Paul found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.."At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Paul, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for dinner time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mummy asked little Paul to tell his story. Paul started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

Frank

good one.

hbrac · The Rooster

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will
give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always
overcome youth and arrogance!

Aslemma

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She laid
her pet on the table.

The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart.
I am so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead." the vet replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned
a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments
later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried.
"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up!"

welshoney

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside
the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can
also think

Pam7 · Jamaican Nuclear Power

A Stranger was seated next to a Jamaican on Air Jamaica when the
stranger turned to the Jamaican and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger."

The Jamaican, who had just turned on some reggae on his walkman, turned it down, and said to the stranger, "Wha yu like fe discuss, sar?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. Thinking that he would stump the Jamaican...he said Nuclear power?"

"Aaa right," said the Jamaican, "dat could be one in-tresting topic.
But mek me ask yu one question fus".

Go ahead " , said the stranger.

"A donkey, a cow and a deer all eat grass, rite? Yet de deer excretes likle (little) pellets,
while de cow turns out flat patties, and de donkey produces clumps o' dried grass. Why do yu suppose dat is?"

Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

Well, den," said the Jamaican, "How de rass is it dat yu feel qualified fe discuss nuclear power wen yu don't even know sh!t?"

Pam7 · Ask Grandma...

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked, "Grandma, what is that called when two people
are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play
with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not
called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's mum wants
to talk to you"!!

Aslemma

When Leonard found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men

When will men ever learn!

Aslemma

TEN THINGS TO PONDER

Number 1 - Life is sexually transmitted

Number 2 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 3 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 4 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 5 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 6 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 7 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 8 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred pounds and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty pence?

Number 9 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 10 - We know exactly where one bird with bird flu is located among the millions and millions of birds in Britain, but we haven't got a clue as to where a thousand illegal immigrants with criminal convictions are located. Maybe we should put the Ministry of Agriculture in charge of immigration!?

hbrac · Zen Thoughts

ZEN-LIKE THOUGHTS FOR PEOPLE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY:-

1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.

23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED
SOMETHING.

26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.

27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.

37. JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.

38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR
BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

39. WHO IS GENERAL FAILURE AND WHY IS HE READING MY HARD DISK?

40. I'M NOT INTO WORKING OUT. MY PHILOSOPHY IS NO PAIN, NO PAIN.

41. I'M IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE.

42. I'M DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY KAMIKAZE PILOTS WORE HELMETS.

43. DO YOU THINK ILLITERATE PEOPLE GET THE FULL EFFECT OF ALPHABET SOUP?

44. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY, BUT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SPECIFIC.

45. EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN YOUR DOG'S FACE, HE GETS MAD AT
YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM IN THE CAR, HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW?

46. EVER NOTICE THAT ANYONE GOING SLOWER THAN YOU IS AN IDIOT BUT ANYONE
GOING FASTER THAN YOU IS A MANIAC?

47. ONE OUT OF EVERY THREE PERSONS IS SUFFERING FROM SOME FORM OF MENTAL
ILLNESS. THINK OF TWO OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS. IF THEY ARE OKAY, THEN IT
MUST BE YOU.

48. THEY SHOW YOU HOW DETERGENT TAKES OUT BLOODSTAINS. I THINK IF
YOU'VE GOT A T-SHIRT WITH BLOODSTAINS ALL OVER IT, MAYBE LAUNDRY ISN'T
YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM.

49. QUITTERS NEVER WIN, WINNERS NEVER QUIT, BUT THOSE WHO NEVER WIN AND
NEVER QUIT ARE IDIOTS.

sancho proudfoot

hbrac · Boom Boom !!

1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got
married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well ... It's Not Unusual."

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Dëja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I tried to buy some camouflage pants the other day but couldn't find any.

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel .

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Had enough? How about two more..

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him..(ready?). a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands
together at his groin.

She persisted, however, and he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and skilful massage for five
minutes, then asked... "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts."

hbrac · New European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou"
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in
ze
forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

hbrac · Male compassion

Please be aware that as your wives age, it is harder for
them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there is
nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is, Tom. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Sally.
When I was laid off from my consulting job and took early
retirement in April, it became necessary for Sally to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance benefits we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work, and although she knows how hungry I am, she rests an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me
when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not
reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. Telling people what they ought to do is one of my strong points. Also, now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement, and sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this, just as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening. I'm willing to overlook her shortcomings in this area. Unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to the Wednesday and Saturday poker club, or to Tuesday and Thursday's bowling, I'll tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. If I had a really bad day on the course and it was wet and muddy, and my clubs are a mess, I let her clean them, you know, getting the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the clubface. Since my golf bag is heavy, I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I had to tell her that I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of fresh squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for
me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way we can talk until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sally, but I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Regards,
Tom

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Tom died suddenly Thursday, May 29th. He was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his rectum with only two inches of grip showing. His wife Sally was arrested, but after the jury read this letter, they accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it.

hbrac · At the dentist

A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist
takes out a needle to give the man a shot of Novacain. "No way, no needles, I can't stand needles." The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but the man again objects. "No gas, please the mask on my face is suffocating to me."
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a
pill. "No," said the patient "I'm fine with pills." The dentist then returns
and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet." The patient says, "Wow, I didn't know
Viagra worked as a pain pill." "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it
will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth."

hbrac · 2 minute Management course

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do
nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very, very high up.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night,
the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull s**t might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you
there.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there
all
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly
dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep s**t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course

Pam7 · New Priest...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the spook.

8 ) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Pam7

A young woman from Essex was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Thames. She went to Tower Bridge and was about to leap into the freezomg water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the
sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every
night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they
made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, the captain discovered
her.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to America, and he's scr * ewing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Woolwich Ferry."

hbrac · Ways to maintain a health level of insanity

Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point
Hair
Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
with
That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten
Over
Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds."

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go to A Poetry Recital and Ask Why the Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds
All
Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name--Rock
Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes! Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Send This E-mail to Someone to Make Them Smile

It's Called therapy

laws1

At the wife’s request a couple go for marriage guidance.

The hubby does not think there is a problem with the marriage yet the wife is scared the will break up
The counsellor decides to interview the man and wife separately one after the other.

To the wife.
Tell me about yesterday?

Well I called him at work and asked if we could meet after work, I said I really loved him and wanted to make an effort. He just grunted “OK” When we met I had spent all afternoon doing my hair and make up, I was wearing a nice short dress with some silk underwear he bought me.

I asked how his day had been and said I loved him very much.

He just grunted a “love you to” then said he was hungry.

At the restaurant I asked if we should have some nice wine.
He just ordered a glass of house white for me and a pint of lager for himself.
When we got home I said I was going to slip on a nice negligee and asked him to come to bed.
He just got a can of lager out the fridge and turned on the TV.

He came to bed about an hour later; again I said loved him and asked if he loved me. He just said "course I do”

Then we made love and went to sleep!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

To the Husband
Tell me about yesterday?
.
.
.

Well….. Crap day at work... Had a shag!

Katy'sClan

Subject: Union Demands from the pen*s ....

Union Demands from the pen*s ....

I, the Pen*s, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

* I do physical labour.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark area with poor ventilation.
* I work in an area with high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, The Pen*s

****************************************************
Dear Mr. Pen*s,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

* You do not work eight hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
* You do not take initiative.
* You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
* You will retire well before you are 65.
* You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

Tango Bunny

PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND...

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on
her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?", he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?", he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?", he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!", she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?", he demands.

"That's me before the surgery

Tango Bunny

........

Tango Bunny

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years when by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts in. Some time later she heard her husband wake and let rip the usual trouser trumpet which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Hou were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

bettyboop

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The

guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single.

Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

Whispering......

Dave........

Dave........

...........you're a vet.

hbrac · The Parrot

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a

large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the

aisle past the man and his seat mate.

"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it

snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up

the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "dammit, you lazy whore,

where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with

the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick

service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your

sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a

moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight

attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open

the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000

feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know,

for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls!"

hbrac · Women's Bum Size study

Women's Bum Size Study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their bums.

I thought the results were very interesting.

85% of women think their bum is too fat...

10% of women think their bum is too skinny.

The other 5% say they don't care, they love him, He's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

Pam7

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

Frank

Out of the mouths of babes... (taken from yesterdays Daily Mail . Written by Hilary Minson )

Driving my 3- year- old Granddaughter Hannah home, she remarked that her daddy had said that Nanny drove too fast down hills. Thinking about this I mentioned this to my daughter. She went quiet but eventually admitted the comment was not related to my driving. What he'd actually said was: "Your mother is going downhill fast".

fwh

Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she
spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very
large shark.

Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo,

struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot
shark!

The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor
man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in

time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white
tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a
harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and

pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to
death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the
speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they

heard frantic calling..... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and
said,

"I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the

England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England
team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to
other countries."

She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth
and knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F all about shark fishing. How's the
bait holding up?

Pam7

Nice one Frank!

sancho proudfoot

A little boy walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while his Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" he asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old son is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the boy.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the loo, and that is poo."

The little boy looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"

fwh

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the
sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his
sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for
my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head
and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand
and finds his mother.

"Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this
shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice
and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this
shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times
and says:

"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards
home.

The father turns to his son and says;

"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says,

"Yes dad I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies,

"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you
German B****s"

Aslemma · Arrest at Gatwick

A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns, `but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

madsue

Love it! Very funny

How much do you loveyour Mama?

The Pharmacist

Pregnancy ,Oestrogen and Women

Famous sayings

Priceless

Did you know this about vodka

What gender is a computer?

What is your url?

Tony Blair'sHospital visit

The retired Irishmen

The Letter

Bird Flu

Pink Curtains

Eggs

hitting the spot

Church bulletins

Jim and Edna

Sign at UK Golf Club

New Disease warning

WOMEN

Why am I married?

Pharmacology!!

A midle aged woman

Zen sarcasm

Pet Story

Converting a Bear

Peace in the Middle East

Put a smile on your dial

Tommy Cooper One liners

A Rabbit's Tale

The Rooster

Jamaican Nuclear Power

Ask Grandma...

Zen Thoughts

Boom Boom !!

New European language

Male compassion

At the dentist

2 minute Management course

New Priest...

Ways to maintain a health level of insanity

The Parrot

Women's Bum Size study

Arrest at Gatwick