Joke thread

hbrac · Joke thread

Are we going to have a Joke thread Lynn and Dougie? Nothing too rude or offensive allowed obviously. It could be named Joking Apart or something similar.

emmarushuk

Can we also have a Weight Loss thread too please, pretty please with a cherry on top!

bluebabe

Emma look on page two and the weight loss thread is there

Helenxx

shorty

:) ooh yes please, a joke sticky!

emmarushuk

Still navigating page one!!!

Thanks Bluebabe

annedave · joke thread

ooohhh please have a joke thread, it realy cheers me up to read them.
all the best Anne :D

GoldenChippie

Bloke goes into a shop and buys 1 frozen pizza, a pot noodle and a tv dinner, the checkout girl says single are you? yes said the bloke how did you guess?

Because you are really ugly says the girl.

shorty

GoldenChippie

Whats the difference between an ugly man and an attractive man?
About 8 glasses of wine.

Whats the difference between a bloke and a shopping trolley?
Sometimes a trolley has a mind of its own

MikeCunliffe

two guys in the pub, having a chat. One says "Did you know beer contains female hormones?", "No" said the other, "Is that true?"

"Yes" said the first, "Drink too much and you start talking crap and you drive terribly".

joolz307

As Christmas is fast approaching.....

:Reindeer:

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. ‘Jesus Christ!’ he exclaimed.

Joseph said, ‘Write that down, Mary; it's better than Rodney!’

Joolz :wink:

Skyegal

Excellent Joolz

Good_Queen_Bess

mel-1810

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep,he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it aint Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No,it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two a***holes."
"What... he had two a***holes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two a***holes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two a***holes....'"

GoldenChippie

sancho proudfoot

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," on TV, Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NASA.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

shorty

had to turn the monitor upside down but eventually got there!

Peter A

A young lad turns round to his dad and says to him, "When I die dad I want to go quietly and peacefully like grandad in his sleep,

not like the passengers kicking and screaming on his bus."

Katy'sClan

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Keyman

Katy, how very fitting in this PC world....but makes you :) :) :)

da mama

just back from Benidorm and loved the entertainment
loved this joke but obviously i have to change the words slightly

man went to the doctor with personal problems
the doctor told him he could have a new "wotsit"
they come in three sizes
small would cost £1,000
medium would cost £2,000
large would cost £3,000

man says he needs to discuss it with the wife

back to doctors
well did you discuss it with the wife
i did
and what are you having ??

A FITTED KITCHEN !!!!!!!

Keyman

Santa goes to the doctors and says "this is a bit embarrassing, but I think I've got a mince pie stuck up my behind!" the doctor has a look and say's "yes you have....I'll give you some cream to put on it"

Aslemma

Subject: AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.

When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof,
swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh
135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me.

This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kevin Roben
Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd

Katy'sClan

(One for the males)

Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Katy'sClan

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

annedave · THE ROPE

THE ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter. Ten men and one Woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off. Otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
anne xx

annedave · one for the girls

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it's never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

sorry boys

anne

annedave · dont think i got this from ht

cheating ((((RING)))) (((RING))) **Pick Up** "Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now" Brief Pause... "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead" ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this 555-7039??"
anne x

Peter A

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mum, as soon as we returned Tom started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, lots of awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mum!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mum," cried the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come and get me, please!"

"Sarah, you must tell me what has you so upset.... tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mum...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

Katy'sClan

Spanish lesson...

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: el lápiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

hbrac · Curry Rhapsody

Sung to Bohemian Rhapsody

Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This dupiazza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.

[guitar solo]

I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!

[guitar solo]

So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.

[guitar solo]

[slow bit]
Korma or dupizza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh

Katy'sClan

I WILL SURVIVE

At first I was afraid,
I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches
Lord, I almost died.
But I'd spent so many nights
just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong,
And I knew that I could take you on. . .

But there you are,
Another lie!
I was ready for a Big Mac
and you've brought me a French fry.
I should have known it was so small,
Just a sad pathetic dream,
have known there was no Anaconda
lurking in those jeans.

Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches
then turn up with only 4,
Weren't you a jerk to think I wouldn't notice it pop out, Don't you
know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count?

I will survive,
I will survive,
Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. . hey, hey!

It took all my self control
not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener
standing small and proud.
But too bad about your ego
and to Hell with all your needs!
Now I'm saving all my lovin'
for a cordless multispeed

Go on now go,

Just make a dash,
Last time I saw a d*** that small
I was treating nappy rash.
I should have asked for confirmation,
Should have asked for pictures, please!
Then I wouldn't have you waving that
wee winkie thing at me.

Go on now go,
Just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no little worm,
I'll always throw them back.
The only thing that I could do with a
d*** as small as yours,
Is to stick it with a tooth pick
And then call it a hors d'oeuvre!

I will survive,
I will survive,
Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex
with a handful of latex.
I will survive,
I will survive. .hey, hey!

Go on now go,
Get out of my sight,
I'm going back to my appliance,
Cos I know its length is right,
And if I ever see your tiny pecker peckin' at my door, You'll be
counting your 4 inches as you pick them off the floor.

Go on now Go!

hbrac · Jimmy the Aboriginal

Jimmy the Aboriginal

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the
only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in
the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns,
oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I
have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars
to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart
goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just
staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million
dollars." "Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet."

"How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it,"
answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
something.

That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock
options?" Again Jimmy ?said no. ?
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"

Jimmy said,

"I want the name of the s*** who pushed me in the Pool.

sancho proudfoot

A skeleton walks into a bar and says,

"can I have a pint and a mop please''

GoldenChippie

took me a while to get that sancho

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman:
"Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bloody bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any bloody bread, ask
me again and I'll nail your bloody beak to the bar.
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?".....

hbrac · Technical support

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have
Customer: A white one
===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry.... ===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates, dammit! ===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't
find it...
===============.

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.thank you.
===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a
capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it? ===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."

===============
And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

annedave

those were the best laugh hubby and i have had in ages
THANK YOU anneXx

sancho proudfoot

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.

He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen.

She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test.

Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it's Tony Blair!"

sancho proudfoot

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch -- only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises..., etc.

He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighbouring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament.

During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is:

If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

Good_Queen_Bess

Like the duck and bread one. v funny.

Keyman

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him
in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to
be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He
takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.

Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put
all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

sancho proudfoot

A couple are in a cafe in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogweychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and they say to the girl behind the counter: "Can you please say the name of the place where we are, and say it really slowly?"

The girl leans over the counter and says "Bbbb uuuu rrrr ggggg eeeerrrrrrrr K iiiiiiii nnnnnngggg"

hbrac · Remind you of anyone?

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new
virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted
through dangerous and high-risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna
re-elect him."

Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for
the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected
include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with
messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate
new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept
responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado,
uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies
towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive
disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas

hbrac · Friendship

Friendship

Are you sick of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound like Hallmark cards, and never come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that speak of true loyalty:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bar-steward who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why, you ask? Because you are my friend.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you anyway.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel

Keyman

Christmas Show and Tell...

... "Christmas is almost on us," said the teacher, and tomorrow I want all of you boys and girls to bring something to illustrate what Christmas is all about.
Next day, each pupil had brought something along. Little Sally was first. "I've brought a toy reindeer," she said, "because Santa's sleigh is pulled by reindeer."
Then came George, who had brought a piece of the deodar tree from his garden."This is what Christmas trees are made of," he explained. Little Bruce had brought some wrapping paper, and Marcie brought a picture of a turkey. All of which the teacher praised, but expressed the wish that someone had used a bit more initiative, and also concentrated more on the spiritual aspects of Christmas.
Inevitably, Little Johnnie at the back of the class had had his hand up all the while, snapping his fingers, and hissing "Miss, Miss." And as a last desperate resort she calls on him.
"Okay, Little Johnnie," says teacher. "What have you brought."
Proudly, Little Johnnie produces a set of ladies panties, which he twirls around his finger, high above his head, for all of the class to see.
"What are THOSE?" demands Teacher, as if she didn't know.
"They're girls' panties, Miss."
"I can see that, Johnnie. But what have they got to do with Christmas?"

"They're Carol's."

:)

annedave

>
> A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
>
> "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
> started
> swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
>
>
> The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast
>
> I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"
>
> "OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
>
>
> The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
> Wants for breakfast.
>
>"Oh, sh * t mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"
>
>
> WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
> up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
>
>
> She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what

> do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>
> I don't know," he blubbers,"but it won't be f**king Coco Pops."

Anne x

staceylc

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

fwh

The story of a compassionate man.

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Roy...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Anne.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Anne to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now,it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my experience as a tactful Police Officer helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do as one of my strong points...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed for Monday's lodge meeting to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing...

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her.

Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the boot when she's finished

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the back lawn.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for awhile.

And as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Anne.

I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrated women can get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that
writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed, Roy.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly Thursday Feb.3rd.
He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing..
His wife, Anne, was arrested, but the all-woman Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it and died...!!

fwh

A man's problem.

A man went to his Psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.
The Psychiatrist asked him many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of his problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your wife's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes," he said, "I did once."
"And how did she look?"
"Very angry!" he said.
At this point the Psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere, and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now, tell me, you say that you have only seen your wife's face only once during sex; that does seem somewhat unusual - how did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was looking through the window..!!"

annedave · Little Johnny's Christmas

Little Johnny's Christmas

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."

After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Johnny

Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly,
Johnny

Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Johnny

Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what is Mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trashcan and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions.

He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went
Inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do. Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door.

He went home, hid the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus,
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
You know who...

like that one
ANNEXX :wink:

annedave · Eve Chats With God

Eve Chats With God

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic
snake, but I'm just not happy."

And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be
vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger,
faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he
is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a
way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and
will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be
too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but
what's the catch Lord?"

"Well.....you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll
have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be
our little secret.............. You know, woman to woman."

keep em comin!! ANNEXX

Guest2

Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he entered one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a 'tragedy'". " No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "that's what we would
call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a
quiet voice he said: "If the Air plane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck
by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy.

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me
why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f **** accident either!"

annedave · CHICKEN AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT

CHICKEN AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT
>>> >>
>>> >> A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
>>>"Chicken
>>> >> Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast
>>>iron pot.
>>> >>
>>> >> Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot
>>>rises
>>> >> slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking
>>>around
>>> >> before the lid slams back down.
>>> >>
>>> >> "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
>>> >>
>>> >> He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for
>>>it and
>>> >> again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking
>>>around before
>>> >> it slams down.
>>> >>
>>> >> Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
>>>happening,
>>> >> and demands an explanation.
>>> >>
>>> >> "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
>>> >>
>>> >> The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
>>> >>
>>> >> ...................
>>> >> ...........
>>> >>
>>> >> .......
>>> >>
>>> >> ...
>>> >>

>>> >>
>>> >>
>>> >> Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Anne x :D

fwh

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in George Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So I called him a piece of dog s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a damn. I came into town by train.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

It's important at my age.

madsue

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded: "How about 50 quid?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband: "Does she realise that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man responded: "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied: "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her.

...Wait for it

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

staceylc

Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub.

It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most

of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only

broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a

dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...

BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain

>he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box

>approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more

>clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put

>his head down and started walking briskly home.

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP.... BUMP.......

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........BUMP.......

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP........BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he

>heard the coffin speed up after him ...

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

>

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

>

>

>

>

>He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....

>

>

>

>

>Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was

>only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his

>keys, His hand trembling,he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,

>slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and

>slumped into his comfy chair.

>

>

>

>

>Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through

>the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin

>allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued

>its chase ..

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could

>take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...

>

>

>

>

>The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and

>launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the

>bathroom door flew off its hinges ...

>

>

>

>

>The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young

>terrified lad.

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom

>cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at

>the coffin ... still it came ........

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it

>came......

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......

>

>

>

>

>BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it ...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>The coffin stopped.

fwh

>"Can I have some Irish Sausages please ?", asked Paddy.

>The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

>"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian ?

>Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German ?

>Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was

>Jewish ? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ?

>Would you, ay? Would You?"

>The assistant says, "Well no".

>"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was

>American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

>"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

>So with self-indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then, why

>did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

>

>

>The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase!!"

hbrac · Latest scam

Latest Scam.

Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around but I have to admit that this one is important.

Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list.I f someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum.

This is a scam. They only want to see your bum. I wish I'd got this yesterday, I feel so stupid and cheap.

fwh

The Perils of Driving..!!

I was driving down the A34 the other day (perhaps going a little faster than I should have been) when I passed under a bridge - only to see a Traffic Cop on the other side with a Radar gun laying in wait.

He pulled me over, walked up the car and said, with that classic patronizing smirk, "Runway too short, sir..?"

As politely as I could, I replied, "I'm sorry, I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "And what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I said.

Seeming rather surprised and confused, he asked, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then slowly stretch the hole until it's about six feet."

Then he asked cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole..??"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a Radar gun and park him behind a bridge...!!"

Speeding ticket: £105:00
Court costs: £45:00
<
<
<
The look on his face: Priceless..!!

fwh

The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

His funeral will be held Thursday.

Peter A · Build a bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud,' Lord grant me one wish'. The Lord asks 'What is the wish?'
The man said 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want'.
The lord said, 'Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me!'

The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said 'Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside,
what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when
they say 'nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy'.

The Lord replied, 'You want two or four lanes on that bridge?'

Peter A

The funeral

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 Feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't contain his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it? "
The man replied, "my wife is in the first hearse"
"What happened to her?"
The man replied " My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife and the dog turned on her."

Both men became silent and thoughtful then

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue."

sancho proudfoot · The Twelve Days of Christmas, for the 21st Century

Twelve days - Revised Policy

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement

8 ) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Equal Opportunities Commission. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work backbenchers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed backbenchers over the next few years.

11 & 12) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the Law Society seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

hbrac · George Bush's Medical Dictionary

Subject: George Bush's Medical Dictionary

Artery......................................................................the study of paintings

Bacteria........................................................the back door of the cafeteria

Barium...................................................what doctors do when patients die

Bowel...................................................................a letter like A,E,I,O or U

Caesarean Section................................................a neighborhood in Rome

Cat Scan.......................................................................searching for kitty

Cauterize..........................................................made eye contact with her

Colic.....................................................................................a sheep dog

D&C.........................................................................where Washington is

Dilate.......................................................................................to live long

Enema....................................................................................not a friend

Fester...........................................................................................quicker

Genital.......................................................................................not a Jew

G.I. Series....................................................................a soldier ball game

G.I. Track......................................................................where soldiers run

Hang Nail................................................................................a coat hook

Impotent..............................................................distinguished, well known

Labor Pain.................................................................getting hurt on the job

Medical Staff.......................................................................a doctor's cane

Morbid...................................................................................a higher offer

Nitrates...................................................................cheaper than day rates

Node.....................................................................................was aware of

Outpatient...................................................................a patient who fainted

Pap Smear.......................................................................a fatherhood test

Pelvis................................................................................a cousin of Elvis

Post Operative.......................................................................a letter carrier

Recovery Room.......................................................a place to do upholstery

Rectum.........................................................................dang near killed 'em

Seizure............................................................................a Roman emperor

Tablet......................................................................................a small table

Terminal Illness.......................................................getting sick at the airport

Tumor................................................................................... more than one

Urine..........................................................................opposite of 'You're out'

Varicose............................................................................................nearby

Vein...................................................................................Conceited, uppity

sancho proudfoot

Four vampires walk into a pub. First vampire says, "I'll have a pint of blood, please" Second Vampire says, "Yes, me too". the third vampire also asks for a pint of blood, while the fourth one says he'll just have plasma.

The barmaid says "So that's three bloods and a blood light, then?"

staceylc

On the 12th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me:

twelve chavvers chavving,
eleven prammers pushing,
ten lads joy-riding,
nine ladies drinking,
eight midriffes showing,
seven scallies stealing,
six teens a-laying,
fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs,
four stolen phones,
three navel studs,
two tracksuit tops
and a pikey in Burberry

Aslemma

The Three Bears - What really happened

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?!?” he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “For God’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I’m only going to say this once.... I HAVEN’T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!”

Acorncup

Why females should avoid a girls' night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited for a night out with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margharitas went down way too easy. Around 3a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got to the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in order to avoid a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "midnight". He didn't seem peed off at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock".

When I asked him why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said Oh Sh*t, then cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted".

shorty

love it!

Cromwell

This is good

What do Antarctica and a clitoris have in common:?

Most men know its there, but few bother to visit!

Ooh ive just noticed the risque section........ maybe I should have
put it in there

annedave · joke

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Anne

annedave

A lady walks into a bar and says,
"Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni."

So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, "Would you like another?"

She says, "Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."

The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:

Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and

Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."
Anne

annedave

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time".
Anne x

hbrac · A.A.A.D.D.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

.I decide to water my garden.
. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left.
. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to
put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
.I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
.So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
.Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

. At the end of the day:
* the car isn't washed
* the bills aren't paid
* there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
* the flowers don't have enough water,
* there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
* I can't find the remote,
* I can't find my glasses,
* and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
. Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Keyman

and I wouldn't remember recieving it

hbrac · Eight words with two meanings

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male.. Leaving a note before taking off on a fish ing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
! Male..... A source of ent ertainment, self-___expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest ___expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.. A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Aslemma

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day". Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy"

The girl nodded Yes - after all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors" she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me ." "He certainly is", the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead ferry"!

Keyman

One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"

"I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous," the second boy says.

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and
Jell-O. It's a breeze!"

"Well what are you here for?" the second kid asks.

"A circumcision." The first kid replys woefully.

The second kid says "Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"

Guest1 · Bragging about it.

Three blokeas are boasting about how much leasure they give their wives after sex....
the Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above da bed ina ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy."

The Redneck says, "That ain't nothing buddy. When I've finished doin it to the ole lady, I git out of bed, walks over to the winder and wipe my pecker on the curtains.
She hits the freakin ceiling

Skyegal

You might have had this one before but:

The Good Husband
>
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something
wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side
table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his
wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the
table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for
me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
shetried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table £39.99

>Hot Breakfast £4.20

>Two Aspirins £.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!!

dawnlee

What If!!

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.
He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about
what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants
down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!

welshoney · blonde

BLONDE 'S YEAR IN REVIEW

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to
print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid ... 8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming
competition.....learned later, other swimmers
cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car
swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is
"C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2
days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's "eleven" button on the phone!!!
What a year!!

Obviously american but very funny

dawnlee

The Lecture

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the
Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know
what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends!"

madsue

Three little ducks go into a bar.................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

annedave

> A letter was left on the dining room table.
>
> My Dear Wife,
>
> You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year
> old
> body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as
> a
> good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will
> not
> wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
> 18
> year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed
> - I
> shall be back home before midnight.
>
> When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room
> table:
>
> My Dear Husband,
>
> I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to
> take
> this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the
> same
> time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at
> the
> Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary,
is
> also
> 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent
> knowledge
> of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation,
> although
> with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54
> goes
> into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow
Annexx

madsue

One day, in the heat of the summer, a policeman stops a Robin Reliant which is weaving all over the road, front end going up and down, very obviously carrying a heavy load.

He asks the driver to open up the back, whereupon he sees fifty penguins standing in the back sweating profusely.

"Good God, man!" says the policeman, "don't you realise how cruel that is, the poor penguins can't be out in this heat! Now take them to the zoo immediately!!" The driver looks ashamed, and drives off.

The following day, the policeman sees the self same car, doing the same thing, and pulls it over again. On opening the back, there are the fifty penguins standing there, all wearing their sunglasses.

"For goodness sake!", says the policeman, "didn't you listen to anything I said yesterday!!"

"Yes sir", says the driver, "Yesterday, I took them to the zoo, today we are going to the seaside!"

dawnlee

Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Colin, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Colin, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin "Well just relax and let it
happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting

"Colin, wake up you drunken b****rd, you're shitting in the bed"

annedave

The kindergarten class were now in the first grade. Their

teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in

kindergarten, so she asked them to use grown-up words instead of baby

words. She then asked them what they had done during the summer.

The first little one said, "I went to see my Nana."

The teacher said, "No, you went to see your grandmother. That's

the grown-up word."

The next little one said, "I went on a trip on a choo-choo."

The teacher again said, "No, you went on a trip on a train.

That's the grown-up word."

Then, the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the

summer.

Little Johnny proudly said that he read a book.

"What book did you read?" asked the teacher.

Little Johnny puffed out his chest, and in a very adult way

replied, "Winnie the Sh i t."

annedave

>Since a Jewish wife demands sexual pleasure and isnt satisfied, she and her husband

decide to ask the rabbi for advice. The rabbi listens to their story and makes the following suggestion.
Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love
have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you
both. Makesure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help the wife fantasize, and should bringon a full-blown orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves
a towel over them both as they make love.
But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's
try it reversed."
have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel
overthem."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the
towel.
The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon
has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, shrieking, orgasm.
Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the
shoulder
and says to him, triumphantly: "THAT'S how you wave a bloody towel!"

hbrac · Warning to all men

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "some thing bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

hbrac · New drugs for women

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full
hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till theymoved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting
in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get nakednow?"

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him

Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.

Nat* · Yearly physical

Yearly Physical

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with
certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140 and she
shows the woman. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5" and she tells the
woman. She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very
high. "Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall
and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

hbrac · Catholic Horses

Mitch, a hard-core Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed
the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, it always came in first.

Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent he had, and watched in horror as the horse came in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded an explanation!

"What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites".

hbrac · The Battle Hymn of the Republicans

BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLICANS

Mine eyes have seen the bungling of that stumbling moron Bush;
he has blathered all the drivel that the neocons can push;
he has lost sight of all reason 'cause his head is up his tush;
The Doofus marches on.

I have heard him butcher syntax like a kindergarten fool;
There is warranted suspicion that he never went to school;
Should we fault him for the policies - or is he just their tool?
The lies keep piling on.

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
His wreckage will live on.

I have seen him cut the taxes of the billionaires' lone heir;
As he spends another zillion on an aircraft carrier;
Let the smokestacks keep polluting - do we really need clean air?
The surplus is now gone.

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'l l Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Your safety net is gone!

Now he's got a mighty hankerin' to bomb a prostrate state;
Though the whole world knows its crazy - and the U.N. says to wait;
When he doesn't have the evidence, "We must prevaricate."
Diplomacy is done!

Oh, a trumped-up war is excellent; we have no moral bounds;
Should the reasons be disputed, we'll just make up other grounds;
Enraging several billions - to his brainlessness redounds;
The Doofus marches on!

Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
Glory! Glory! How he'll Screw Ya'!
The Doofus marches on!

hbrac · The Ant and the Grasshopper

The Ant and the Grasshopper.....
Classic Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper,
thinking the ant is a fool, laughs, dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper
has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. The End

The British Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper, thinking
the ant is a fool, laughs, dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls
a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed
to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold
and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm
home in Hampstead with a table laden with food. The British are
stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer while others have plenty.

The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the Transvestites with Starving
Babies Party, the Single Lesbian One Eyed Mothers Party and the
Coalition against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house.
The BBC, interrupts a 3 day Rastafarian cultural festival special from
Grimsby for live coverage of the protesters singing "We Shall
Overcome" while swapping knitting patterns for woolly hats.

In an interview with Panorama, Ken Livingstone laments that the ant
has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". In response,
the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper
Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to
hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine
and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is seized by Camden
Council.

The ant moves to France, and starts an AgriBiz company funded by the
EU.
(The business is successful despite a threat of compulsory purchase by
the state if he didn't marry a French ant.)

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of
the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council
house he occupies, which just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Diane Abbot is appointed to
head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000 over 5 years.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose; the Guardian blames
it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of
despair arising from social inequity. Michael Winner funds a memorial,
and there are calls for a grasshopper statue to be put on the vacant
plinth in Trafalgar Square.

Meanwhile, the abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant
spiders that promptly set up a marijuana growing operation, terrorize
the community and receive praise from the government for enriching
Britain's multicultural diversity.

The End

hbrac · First Aid

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding

a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts

panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious

looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar

reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,

neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her

seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the

boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and

then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the

quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the

boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back

to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the

father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've

never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are

you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

dawnlee

Lenny & the Crocodile

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Lenny, the only
Aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the
backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, " unfortunatly we can't go swiming because I have a 15ft man-eating Saltwater Crocodile in the pool, I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the guts to jump in and
get it out."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Lenny in the pool, fighting the croc
and kicking its a**!

Lenny was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting te croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Lenny and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Lenny strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish

Lenny then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Lenny, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"Nah, you're alright, I don't want it," said Lenny.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.

How about half a million bucks then?" said the host

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Lenny.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing.

How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Lenny said "No".

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Lenny, then what do you want?"

Lenny said, "I just want the name of the ba****d who pushed me

into

the

Pool!"

hbrac · When are you going?

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out of the bath. " Do you want a room with or without a view"?

hbrac · Essex Hurricane Appeal

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Ilford.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ilford. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockport boots

Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcho-pop 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you

annedave

sorry cant remember if i put this on before.
A Blonde and the Jigsaw Puzzle
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box.
He turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he sighed, "Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

Joke thread

joke thread

THE ROPE

one for the girls

dont think i got this from ht

Curry Rhapsody

Jimmy the Aboriginal

Technical support

Remind you of anyone?

Friendship

Little Johnny's Christmas

Eve Chats With God

CHICKEN AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT

Latest scam

Build a bridge

The Twelve Days of Christmas, for the 21st Century

George Bush's Medical Dictionary

joke

A.A.A.D.D.

Eight words with two meanings

Bragging about it.

blonde

Warning to all men

New drugs for women

Yearly physical

Catholic Horses

The Battle Hymn of the Republicans

The Ant and the Grasshopper

First Aid

When are you going?

Essex Hurricane Appeal